Truthfully, I haven't been sleeping well these days. I didn't know why it was so difficult. I had always been an easy, heavy sleeper. I'd collapse on my bed with a tired mind, but whenever I tried to sleep, I'd be awake. Sometimes, I felt there would be something in my room keeping me awake, but my mind became energized without any reason.
Spiritual moment? I guess.
Today, I received notice of a passing among my relatives and family. This wasn't that much of a surprise to me, but of course, there is sadness. I'm not sure what to think or do actually. Sometimes, I think I'm too calm. I can't cry, and when I do cry, it's something silly. I tell myself that death is a natural process of life. People come, and go during the appropriate times. Things can't be controlled, and even if you do try to prolong life, there is typically pain involved. Why let someone endure so much pain just for you to cling onto that delay of death?
Maybe, I'm too pessimistic or unemotional. Compared to other people, I feel that way. Instead of crying, I searched on Google for funeral etiquette. I'm supposed to be packing my clothes, but I'm not sure what to pack. How long will I be staying there? I'm supposed to be studying right now, but how can I? How can I open a book and study while others are mourning?
Actually, I want to study more now. Ironically, I feel more motivated to do work. I don't feel like relaxing in my summer. I'd like to open my book and do the questions. I don't want to see people sobbing for the whole time. Sure, death is sad, but in the end, you have to move on. You can't bury yourself with the dead. You live because your time isn't up yet. There are other duties for you to do. I doubt the deceased would have wanted you to be sad all the time, and it's certainly not an excuse for you not to do work, or to become angry at other people for trivial things.
I'm not good at comforting people, and I'm sure people deal with death in different ways. I'm sure there will be those that won't understand my behaviour, and will judge, but it doesn't matter. I can't force tears out of my eyes. Rather, I feel a sense of heaviness in my chest. I don't know when it will go away, and I actually envy those that can cry. Catharsis. Yes, I think that would help at any moment.
I guess, in the end, we all figure out how you handle death. Please, I beg you, don't try to convert my way to yours. I'm not like you. I don't feel much, and I don't put on a show.
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What I wanted to say to my readers is that I won't be able to update this blog for several weeks. Actually, it all depends whether or not I have internet access, etc, but please be patient, and wish me luck. It's going to be a rocky journey for me.
