Review # 4: Totally Fabulous! by annie93

Here comes the technical stuff.

I see run-on sentences and fragments and behold, I am confused. I suggest that you read your sentences aloud and you will notice their errors. The whole second paragraph made me skim because of how your sentences were structured. After reading your third paragraph, I have realized that these two errors have become a trend. Please change this trend. (I would have given examples, but . . . there were just so many.)

No single quotation marks unless they are quotations within quotations. 

Make sure your tenses are not mixed up. Stick with one tense. 

Good work with your dialogue though. So far, I don’t see any errors. Okay, I take that back. I see one error and now another. Take a look at the last two quotations. 

“That’s OK,” Mr. Gerding said, “Thanks for contributing, Myles.”  <- I would have preferred a period after “said” because it was not a disjointed sentence.

“You’re welcome” The boy she thought to be Myles responded. <- Because he didn’t take an action, you don’t capitalize the “the”, and you are also missing a comma after “welcome”.

Now, there are more problems with your dialogue. Be careful of the punctuation. Commas go inside the quotation marks, not outside.

Redundancy. Be careful of your word choice. I’m noticing that you quite like to use slang, and your vocabulary should be more varied. Look at the first sentence of page two.

“After her Biology class and English right after .  .  .” <- You just said after and now there is a right after?

The flow of your paragraphs could be improved. Sometimes, I feel that you’re lacking transitions. (This is something that I have to work on too.) 

Please develop your characters more. There’s something lacking about Cathy that I have to admit that I am somewhat bored by her. Okay, I know she is rich. So what? I know she is smart. You’ve repeated that notion several times. I give you credit for showing that she is intelligent though. I know you did try to add some more description to Cathy through the use of other characters, but I think that dialogue could have been better. There wasn’t that anger that I was looking for in Leslie nor did the other girls seemed to have their own voices. (I read every dialogue in my head, so that is what I mean by having their own voices. I can’t hear those voices.)

I have to confess that there is something lacking in the plot. Sure, these are introductory chapters, but I’m not entirely hooked. Perhaps, it’s also because your characters do not seem to come to live. That’s part of why I’m not convinced. 

To sum everything, I will say that you do have grammatical errors, which did impede me. However, I see that the main issues are character development and plot. I don’t need to be a fan of Cathy, but make her interesting. Like I said to another writer, make your character someone special. I’m sorry, but for a character to be rich and smart doesn’t say much. So, what are some other qualities that differentiate your protagonist from others? 

As for plot, I can kind of predict what will happen. Leslie will probably hate Cathy, but they will have to work together to solve their differences. Leslie might bully Cathy. Cathy might make things worse by being some girlfriend of some other guy that Leslie likes. Sure, you can overcome plot, but having persuasive characters. A lot of the novels I have read focus on characterization rather than plot. I have to add that it is much harder to write a book on characterization than on plot, so . . . do something about your plot as well.

I think there is potential in this story, and that your writing style is fine. I see some type of writing style, so that's a good sign. The story just needs to have a hook and be exciting. My heart should be pumping at an excessive rate since I'm so intrigued about whatever you have written.

I know you were looking for honesty, so I hope I was honest enough,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/311453-totally-fabulous

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Review # 3: Hidden Memories by TheLoserFromNoWhere

I shall begin with my initial observations and go from there.

Watch out for your tense shift. Stick with one tense. You like to switch from past to present and then back to past, etc. This makes your story harder to follow. (I have looked at your second chapter and this problem persists. Please fix it.)

Do space your ellipses properly. They are not bunched up periods. Instead, there should be a space between each part of the ellipses, like such . . . 

Speaking of ellipses, please revise the proper usage of them. I admit that they’re tricky, but there are always rules to follow for grammar. I believe there should not a set of ellipses after “There was a note [ . . .]”

If you’re referring to a brand name of a product, please capitalize the brand. The Vans in “I put on my vans” should have been capitalized.

There is no need to be redundant. What I mean by that is choose whether you want to show or tell to reveal some characteristic of a character. Let’s take a look at an example: “I scrunch the paper up and throw it in the corner. My Great Aunt has died and they don’t bother telling me! The best they can do is written words. They make me so angry. I HATE THEM ALL!”

Clearly, her scrunching the paper into a ball and tossing it aside already demonstrates her anger. There is no need to say “They make me so angry.” In fact, by saying that, it takes away from her anger. I hate them all? I think it’s obvious from what you have written before that your protagonist has issues with her parents.

I have to say that do not be lazy with your transitions. Transitions are difficult, but they are important in that they help your story flow. The last paragraph of the first page needed a transition.

Oh, be aware of run-on sentences. The first paragraph of chapter two is your run-on sentence. You just needed to add in “while” between “breath” and “receiving”.  Do not end your sentences with a preposition. Same sentence for this example.

You need a comma between two adjectives and hyphenate certain adjectives, like “oh so mysterious” to  “oh-so-mysterious“.

Your “hot guy” needs to be “hotter”. Yes, I don’t like to use the word, hot, but to accommodate people, I will use it. I see generic descriptions of his hair, which was repeated a couple of times, and of his eyes. What makes him so “hot”? Okay, I know there are emerald, green eyes, but . . . what makes them capture your attention so much? Yes, I’ve seen a ton of blonde hair in my life. So what makes that so special? You could perhaps use some similes or metaphors to convince the readers of his good looks. I realize that you have pictures of characters on the right, but do not rely on pictures to persuade your readers. Try to use your words.

Spelling! Do not confuse you’re and your. Like I said to another writer, homonyms are homonyms.

Again, with the repetition. Repetition can be useful, but in this case, I would say that it is taking away from your story. Instead of telling us how much their parents are different from before, just continue to show me how they’re annoying or disinterested in their children. Yes, Jeremy has drug and drinking issues. So, please just show how he abuses himself. The same applies with her being a loner. We know she’s a loner because you have mentioned it several times. The question is how. How is she a loner and what makes her a loner?

Frankly, I can’t imagine that she is falling for Tyler so quickly and easily. I would have expected her character to be incredibly stubborn, but she has proven to be quite weak. She falls for him mostly out of his looks. Okay, so he offers her warmth, but being a loner, would she even accept affection from a total stranger?

I think you were taking a shortcut for chapter six. I was at first intrigued by the idea that she was kidnapped. I thought maybe, the kidnappers would have wanted ransom. Then a whole adventure would continue where she would have Stockholm’s syndrome. Sadly, I was disappointed . . . to find that the issue was completely resolved in one chapter, where if I remember correctly she also regains her memory! I honestly felt that you were rushing here. Take your time to describe things like you did in chapter one.

Tyler being a childhood friend and her losing her memory and then remembering all of her past truly seemed unrealistic. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I think if you had used clues to lead us to solve the mystery, the story would be more interesting. You’d have more to write about as well. 

So, time for my overall thoughts. I thought you started out well, and had established a writing style, but as the story went on, you seemed to have lost your patience and your diligence. I may be blunt; however, I must say that the plot needs to be fixed. I was not left convinced with this twist. Also, please develop your characters more. Annabelle is your protagonist so make her someone special. Right now, she seems like a typical, lost teenager.

I liked your dialogues even though sometimes, you’d be missing some commas here and there. I still felt that flow was overall fine, and that there was some humour.

That is all I believe needs to be said,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/850091-hidden-memories

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Review # 2: A Deal with The Devil by genesisnirvana

I always have a habit of scanning the first page of a story first and here are my initial observations.

You seem like you’re in a hurry with small mistakes like not capitalizing your first pronouns and not spacing your sentences properly. Like another reader has pointed out, bolding the entire story is very hard on the eyes. 

Now, I’m noticing repeated words, like “turning around”. Try to think of a different way of phrasing your sentences. Your style would definitely improve.

Please review how to punctuate and format your dialogues. There needs to be a period after your quotation even if you have a question mark within your sentence. I’ll point out an example. The first quotation you have included in your story. Add a period after “called out”.

Be careful of tense shifts. You started to use present tense when you wrote “[my] car really isn’t anything special”.  It also seems weird to be suddenly talking about the car and then jumping to her arrival to her apartment. There’s a transition problem.

Take note of commas too. The sentence with Mrs. Mullins babysitting her child was rather confusing since your comma placement was odd. I had to read the sentence a few times to understand what you meant. It would have been better to say something like this.

Mrs. Mullins was a sweet, old lady, who babysat my three-year-old brother Connor on the days that I went to school, or when I went for a job. 

Please do not add unnecessary quotation marks to highlight specific words. Just let the words do their jobs. Also, do not randomly hyphenate words like “baby-sat”. There are rules for hyphenation and it would be great if you checked them out.

Maybe, instead of telling what has happened all the time, you can try the use of showing. You show how the characters are by their behaviours or actions. For Mrs. Mullins, you could have shown how she doesn’t judge your protagonist. It seemed a bit redundant for your protagonist to say that Mrs. Mullins was open minded and then have a flashback.

Frankly, I don’t think it was necessary to give the whole description about the actions she took to unlock the door, then lock the door, etc. I know you might have been trying to describe her everyday life, but try to make the sentences flow better. They seem rather choppy and discontinued.

Also, when the man reappears, there should be something notable about this man, something that made her remember him. Was it his eyes? His smile? His voice? I know when I remember people. There’s usually something that triggers my memory.

More importantly, the way he is speaking is bizarre for a man of his age. I presume that he would sound more mature. 

I’m catching onto another trend, and that is this phrase, "he smiled." Please tell me how he smiled or at least that his smile was a smirk.

I suggest that you read your dialogue aloud. The dialogue shared between your protagonist and the man on page three was awkward at times, particularly the part where he says, “the next one year.”

I know I might have focused a lot on grammar and sentence structure, but I believe that is where you have to improve. Your story could be much better if you work on the technical aspects first. 

Then, do try to develop your characters. Maybe, ask yourself, so what? So what if she does this? So what if he says that? Try to also think why your characters would behave a certain way. Your protagonist seems pretty emotionless about her situation. Her eyes only widened when she heard about his proposition. I mean, she’s living poorly. 10 grand should have been more than her widening her eyes. It should have made her knees shake, her hands tremble, etc.

There is definitely potential in this story even though like a reader has also noted that the plot is a bit cliché. However, you can always add twists to seemingly cliché stories. 

Hopefully, you will take what I have suggested in mind and also, keep your promise.

Thank you,

Jubie (cubierock11) 

http://www.wattpad.com/907385-a-deal-with-the-devil

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Review # 1: Grounds by Winker

I'm going to start with grammar since that is what I always notice first. (Most of my examples were taken from your prologue, but they apply to other chapters of your story as well.)

Be very careful of your dialogue. You tend to capitalize pronouns where they are not supposed to be capitalized. I will provide an example.

"Move! Move! Move!" He called as he emerged from behind . . . The "He" should not have been capitalized. You only capitalize names.

If you are ending your quotation with a period, then do not use a period, instead, use a comma. Let me show you what I mean. 

At the end of the first page of chapter one, Ken says, “Keep moving.” You placed it as such: “Keep moving.” He said. Please replace the period after “moving” with a comma. Again, do not capitalize the “He”.

*There is an exception to this rule, which is when you are using an action to identify the speaker. When that is the case, the sentence stands for itself.

Example: He skipped too many times. “I am happy!”

 

(I recently discovered this rule, so I will have to fix my own work too.)

Moreover, remember that when different people are speaking, you must start a new paragraph. Please fix the end of page one. Remember too that when it is the same person speaking, you do not start a new paragraph.

Please recall to add commas when needed; for example, after "Before he could react".

Be careful of silly mistakes like spelling. Be VERY careful. Homonyms are homonyms.  Now, I have to note that you have to be aware of your run-on sentences. 

I like the descriptions that you give for your characters; for example, taking the time to note their actions and expressions. I would suggest varying your choice of words. I’m noticing a lot of repeated words and I am not saying that you should now go look for tons of synonyms to replace your words, but perhaps, do look up a few words sometimes. Never be lazy and forget to check the definition of your synonyms. Synonyms may give similar meanings, but they might not give exact meanings of what you want to say.

On the topic of laziness, do not resort to slang for your descriptions. When I suddenly saw, “She was pulling out the big guns”, I felt that didn’t match the style that you had used before.

I also liked how your stories were serious and had messages about war. You did well in terms of giving different perspectives so people consider other aspects of life. You make us question our behaviour and understand what causes people to change.

Overall, I think what needs the most work is your grammar. I enjoyed reading the stories. They were fresh ideas, and certainly were profound. However, the grammatical errors were taking away from your story. Fix the grammar, and surely, your writing will improve.

http://www.wattpad.com/809251-grounds

Good luck,

Jubie (cubierock11)

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My Profile as a Reviewer

Hello readers,

Recently, I have decided to become a reviewer on wattpad. I may become a reviewer elsewhere as well if you leave a comment. As a reviewer, I have a general rule. I will review your story, but you must in turn review my story. This is what I call, a fair trade.

The link to my story: http://www.wattpad.com/889936-rebirth

(You can also find this story on fictionpress. There are more chapters on that account.)

I will describe my style as a reviewer. (This is what I have noticed as I conducted my first review.)

I am quick to notice grammatical errors, as well as those with spelling. I will try my best to point out where you need help for grammar by giving examples. Sometimes, I can become obsessed with grammar, and you will realize that I have focused my attention on that aspect of a story. However, I do pay attention to other elements as well. Do take note that I follow MLA, so if your professor or teacher has taught you something in a different way or you're more familiar with another method, then just follow whatever you wish.

I will certainly analyze and critique your language and style. I think word choice and the fluidity of your sentences are very significant.

I deal with characterization more than plot. This does not mean that I ignore your plot. It really depends on your story. If your story is more action-based, then I will say what I need to say. If your story is more about the interaction of characters, then of course, I will critique those relationships.

If you are looking for an ego boost, then I am not your reviewer. If you are looking for honesty and improvement, then I am your reviewer. I am not afraid to tell you what is wrong, and never, ever take my criticisms personally. I criticize your work, not you as an individual.

I do have to give another warning. When I review, I have a different tone. I can be very sarcastic. Please remember that I am simply typing as I think about what you've written. Please do look at some reviews I have written to understand what I mean by that.

Thank you,

Jubie (cubierock11)

PS. If you don't agree with some parts of my review, then it is fine not to change anything. You're entitled to your own beliefs and opinions. Similarly, I'm entitled to my own ideas.

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Question 2 for Rebirth

I am here again with another question for Rebirth readers.

So, here's question 2: What would you like to see more of in Rebirth? 

I'll offer you some suggestions just to get your mind thinking. Do you want more romance, more adventure, more explanations or are you more interested in certain characters? Do you want more descriptions on setting? Do you want even more twists? Anyhow, you're free to say whatever you'd like and I'm, of course, free to think about what you've said. ;)

Thanks,

Jubie (cubierock11)

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Status Update 4 - January

Hello,

Long time no see. A lot has happened just the first week of January and people say we're supposed to welcome the New Year. I honestly don't feel welcomed at all. I feel more like I've been slapped in the face multiple times, and maybe stabbed in the back too.

I returned to another city, and my luggage were missing for several days. They have finally been located and delivered to the wrong place. I had to go fetch for them myself. Quite pathetic, I'd say. Then, the day that I retrieved my baggage, my laptop died on me. I had to go buy a new one. My old one which I bought in August is pretty much fried. Oh, in between all of this, I was down with a fever and I have a cold now. Hooray for the New Year welcome!

Because of these unperceived circumstances, I could not update this blog nor could I write. Thankfully, I wrote an extra chapter before the death of my laptop and saved all of my files on an external hard drive. After a previous death of another laptop, where I lost all of my files, I learned to save on an external hard drive. Readers, please do that too unless you have a very strong and healthy computer/laptop.

So, here I am with the update status. Excuse my above ranting.

Rebirth

1. Fictionpress: I'm updating chapter 46 after this blog, so you can go check it out. So, for chapter 47, I have decided to update today, January 9, because I am on a writing rampage. I have written far more than I had predicted so I am ready to release!! :D Chapter 48 will come on January 13 or 14!

2. Soompi: I have updated Chapter 44 before the death of my laptop, so I will release chapter 45 on January 13 or 14. Early update because I have been a SPEEDY writer!! Chapter 46 should be on January 13 or 14 then! I have requested banners and posters for Rebirth, so those will be updated soon! :D

3. Booksie: Okay, I know I promised before that I would release chapters every day, but holiday shopping took the best of me and well, I had to spend a lot of time with my family. I haven't seen them in months, and I'm not sure when I'll see them again. So, please understand my circumstances. (If it were easier to upload things on Booksie, then I would always use it first.)

*I have actually changed the prologue of Rebirth, so I will adjust that page accordingly. I will also release the edited version of chapters 1 and 2 pretty soon. I squeeze in some editing during the holidays.

TFDL: Etude

1. Soompi: I released chapter 1 a few days ago, so I will most likely update the story with chapter 2 on January 15 or 16. I am also going to request banners and posters for Etude on soompi's forum, so you might see some new artwork! I was too delighted so I release chapter 2 on impulse!!

2. Asianfanfics: Chapter 1 again was released about the same time as the Soompi release, so it will follow the same schedule as Soompi. :) Okay, so I was too happy about people's comments, so I released chapter 2 much earlier than I expected! I will be working on other chapters now!

I hope everyone had a better start than me for the New Years.

Cheers,

Jubie (cubierock11)

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