Review # 8: Arc Series - Under the Night Lights

I already see a grammatical mistake in the first sentence. (Refer to rule 9.) Yes, you do have a recurring problem with rule 9. 

Whoah, I see a very, very long sentence and my feelings are right. It is a run-on! I know that you were trying to be descriptive, but sometimes description can take away from your meaning too. (Refer to rule 2.)

You’re missing a word for your first sentence of your second paragraph: “However, like most of us like to do . . .” You should add “what” in between “like” and “most”. Yes, I see a trend. You have a tendency of omitting words that need to be there to make your sentences logical.

You have to remember to know that readers can’t assume they know what you’re saying. What I mean by that is the use of pronouns.  So let’s look at one sentence: “Every day the villagers would leave the house little after the sun rise and it would gleam at the fields bellow.” Actually, there are a lot of problems with this sentence. You need a comma after every day. It just  . . . sounds more natural. You need “a” before little. I can’t explain why that is so, but that is what we say. The main issue is “it”. What is it? Are you saying that it’s the sun or are you referring to the house? Oh yes, before I forget, you have a spelling error. I assume it’s a typing error. Oh no, it’s not a typing error. I see the same word spelled in the wrong way. (See rule 1.)

I would put “She suddenly tensed” after your second sentence. It makes more sense for her to hear something and then become nervous.

Oh no . . . Look at rule 6. You’ll know that you have punctuated your dialogue in the wrong way. If you’re still unclear why that is so, then just message me and I will explain more.

Be careful of your prepositions. You don’t say that you’ve seen someone in his or her lessons. You use the preposition, at.

So, what’s “daft girl”?

Is Argus a young boy? The latter of your dialogue makes him seem like an old, wise man. (Let me add now what I know from page two. So, Argus is an old man. However, he sounds like a teenager when he first speaks to Cecile. Fix that please.)

Don’t forget to add commas when needed.

All right. I know you pay attention to your descriptions, and I applaud you for attempting to write them. I do have images in my head, luckily. What bothers me though is how these descriptions don’t flow that well. It seems as though you’re throwing sentences at me. When I’m reading, I should feel like I’m watching an artist paint.

You can’t “collapse back”.

Space your ellipses properly. Period, space, period, space, period.

I think when you have been stabbed in the stomach, your speech would not be that eloquent. You’re in pain. You’re dying. Blood might be spewing from your mouth. (You’ll have to research about coughing blood from your mouth. I’m not sure if that’s normal when you’re stabbed in the stomach.)

What? She ran away? I thought she was going to confront him? So, she suddenly becomes really mad that she could break his neck and now she runs away? I think you’re forgetting to describe some emotions that led her to flee. She left an old companion to die!!

Idiot? I’m assuming that this was in the past. I don’t think they used the word idiot.

I feel that the dialogues are too modern unless of course, your story is set around our time, but society has still maintained its historical ways. If that’s the case, then do allude to that.

I think it’s better if she said, “You murderer!” Not . . . “you murdered!”

No matter how angry Cecile is, never put exclamation marks and question marks together.

She spat . . .on him? If so, please at least let him clean his face with his hand.

No slang. “Man servants”? 

Your plot is intriguing, but your grammatical errors are stopping me from properly enjoying this story. As for characters, Cecile seems a bit underdeveloped. I understand that you are still in the introductory chapters, but either make her really emotional or make her really indifferent or cruel to the people who snatched her. If she’s conflicted, then show more how she’s conflicted. Right now, she seems perfectly fine. It’s as if she’s conversing with a nice classmate that she met in Math class.

I would have also preferred some physical description of the characters, like the colour of their eyes or something special about their face. When you look at someone, you usually notice something about that person. It can be anything small like freckles spread across a person’s nose. 

Speaking of descriptions, I think I already said this, but I’ll repeat it. I realize that you are trying to provide imagery; however, sometimes the words that you use to describe the scenes don’t do much. I think it’s the way you constructed your sentences. Sentences can be long and detailed, but they must be clear and grammatically correct. 

I don’t know why, but I already have a feeling that she’ll be in love with the man that killed Argus. Usually, stories follow a trend, where the first man the protagonist is the one that she’ll eventually love. So, I hope you surprise me.  

Cheers,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/858302-arc-series-under-the-night-lights 

*For specifics on rules, please refer to this:  http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing (I know you've read this already, but just in case you need more clarification.)

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Review # 7: Summer lock by Hannahpea

Oh boy, this is my pet peeve. Please do not start a story with “__’s POV”. The readers can figure out who this person is. Do not underestimate a reader, well, a good one that is.

I don’t know about your airplanes, but the ones I’ve been on say “overhead compartments.”

Don’t start a gerund without a subject. “My moving . . .” is the way to go.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but . . . people on the planes I have been on have never clapped. Everyone is typically in a hurry to get off the plane. They turn on their cell phones and unclasp their seatbelts before the captain’s announcement.

I know you’re trying to add description, but when you do, add more or transition better. You suddenly describe a hall and then you go on to describe how Summer is nervous? Was it something on the wall that made her nervous or does she just see walls and get anxious?

Ah, you had the perfect chance to describe Aunt Esther’s appearance, yet you missed it. If a physical description had followed “she was exactly how I had remembered her”, then I have an idea of what she looks like.

So, I thought your dialogues were fine until I saw a huge error. You need to know when to use commas and when to use periods. You’re confused about this rule. Please read it online or look at some of the other reviews I have done for other people.

No fragments in that way. “The kind you see . . .”  Also, I’m not sold on your house. I know what celebrities’ homes look like, but really, try to describe things fully. Do not be lazy. Oh yes, no slang like “rip off”.

Whoah . . . excessive adjectives that do not sound nice together. “wonderful, caring, lovely . . .” Okay, your character is pretty shallow. Basically, this is what I’m reading about her reasoning. She moves to a new place, claims that she will miss her old friends, especially her best friend, but then says that’s wonderful because she needs to be popular. What do I think of your character? Pitiful and superficial. Oh, let me add on narcissistic. “I wasn’t exactly ugly”? I don’t know what else to comment about that statement.

I don’t think she’s actually feeling embarrassed if she knows that she’s not exactly ugly. I actually think she’s enjoying it secretly, knowing that people are praising her. Please . . . no run ons and no tense changing.

Use a different word other than canvas. You’ve used it a couple of times now. (Do vary your vocabulary. It will make your writing more interesting.)

Comma between two adjectives.

Like I said to another reader, if you’re creating a godly, “hot” guy, please convince me. Please don’t use generic godly terms. Yes, every “hot” guy seems to have some tan, blonde hair, and blue eyes. I don’t think guys would just go, “Oh my god!” That’s girl talk, along with “I’m so stupid” . . . 

Again, she demonstrates her shallowness by apologizing when it’s the guy’s fault. Sad.

So, your guy suddenly turns into a womanizer. From his first words, I thought he was a wimp. Oops.

Okay, your guy, Lucas, is just as shallow as your girl and . . . honestly, what type of boyfriend would call his own girlfriend a queen bitch? 

I read about three chapters and your latest one, and I have to conclude now. This review is getting long, and I already know what to say.

The plot needs a lot of work and so do your characters. Plot? What is the plot? Well, it’s about a teenager desperate for attention that she’d do anything just to be liked. Honestly, I don’t like the message you are sending out to your readers . . . unless of course, your protagonist endures some harsh consequences. This reminds me a lot of a less sexual Gossip Girl’s series and Mean Girls. Yes, Mean Girls, except your character seems to think more highly of herself than the Mean Girls protagonist.

Lucas is her future lover, at some point. Make him interesting. He’s like Ken from Barbie right now. I know his face, well kind of, but I don’t know him as a person.

I think you should be commended for trying to provide descriptions of your setting and for your characters, but they seem rushed. You’re not trying to connect your sentences together. There are jumps between thoughts, and they’re not natural ones.

PS. I don’t think you should ever tell your readers that it may be boring because if you already think it’s boring then yes, it will be boring.

You can make your introductions interesting. Prologues are supposed to entice people. You have already stated that it’s boring . . . twice now so fix it. Don’t take the easy way and tell your readers to go for your interesting parts.

Don’t use this as a sympathy card although it may work. I don’t suggest people doing that. It’s again ignoring your problems.

I hope I have given a noteworthy review,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/600922-summer-lock

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Regarding Author's Note on Soompi Retirement

Dear soompi readers,

I sincerely apologize that I am retiring from soompi, but I honestly feel that that isn't the place for me to post my writings. I used to like soompi a lot because of its fan fictions and interesting stories, but these days, I feel burdened by soompi. I am not criticizing my readers or anyone particuarly, but I feel that the soompi's atmosphere is more hostile compared to other websites. What I mean by that is that readers are hesitant to comment, and people are quick to become offended by constructive criticism. I do become frustrated because of the lack of feedback; I don't know what I'm doing wrong or right, and why some stories have obvious grammar mistakes and plots with loopholes are so popular. I know I may sound like I'm jealous that a lot of other stories have more readers, and I know that the readers, at least those that have responded, have been extremely welcoming and thoughtful. However, I still believe that little things can build up.

I have been ignoring problems that were bugging me. I know that many authors PM, but PMing is very, very tedious on soompi. Other websites have a better system that makes it easier on both the readers and authors. Readers automatically receive messages about updates, and authors don't have to worry that they have forgotten this person or be tired of typing out one name at a time. It's also much easier to upload your stories on other websites. You can just upload your word documents and your formatting has been retained!

Not to mention, I had an issue with plagiarism. Someone had been unintentionally plagiarizing my work on soompi. We have resolved our problems, but that still irritates me.

So, this is how everything will go. When I finish book one of Rebirth, you will not see any sort of updates from me on soompi. I may drop by anything fanfiction or some other part of the forum once in a while, but in terms of the fan fiction thread, I will not be there. I will be keeping TFDL: Prelude on soompi.

I also realize that from my soompi signature, I have other works that are still in their beginning stages. These were going to be released on soompi, but now, they will not be. Please anticipate their arrival on other websites, and before I release them, I will update my blog as well.

Where can you find me then?

I have accounts on these sites and only these sites with the same username, cubierock11:

1. Fictionpress
2. Fanfiction.net
3. Asianfanfics
4. Wattpad
5. Bookmato
6. Booksie (not using anymore)

So, if you see my works lurking in other areas, please leave a message on this blog.

Please do not distribute my works without my permission and please do not plagiarize my writings.

Thank you and I hope to see you guys soon on another portal,

Jubie (cubierock11)

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Review # 6: Find a Way by MoonlightDrive

I like your vast vocabulary, but . . . I see a run-on! “The English skyline is tinged pink with my hope, the grass is luminous with my joy.” Replace the comma with a period and you’re fine. 

I believe I’ve said this to two other authors before, but I’ll say it again. Between certain adjectives, you must have hyphens. “My eight year old heart . . .” should be “[my] eight-year-old heart”. See also “her caramel coloured cheeks”. It should be “her caramel-coloured cheeks”. (You know, I should release an entry about common errors. I’m beginning to realize that people have the same problems.)

For some reason, I feel that it’s odd for the prologue to be in present tense. It seems like a memory to me, so I think if you had used past tense, it would flow better. I do like fact that you take time to show how the girl feels through her actions.

Oh no, tense shifting. You’re interchanging between past and present tense in one paragraph and that, my friend, is messy. I think your story would benefit from using past tense in general. So stick with the past, and get rid of the present. 

It is rather confusing that you are switching from first person to third person. I tend to suggest people to people to choose between first person and third person. I know there are authors who purposely use both, but at our level, I wouldn’t attempt it for now.  

Watch out for slang. Sometimes, I feel that you’re beginning to rush and become lazy. You’re out of words, so you use common speech like “[the] girl’s grin got bigger . . . .” I repeat again, watch out for colloquialism and clichés. The description of Elena watching presumably Jared walking in the hotel was nice, except for this: “Elena couldn’t quite put her finger on.” No. Please do not write that. Her character could say it in some quotation, but do not write that. 

Ah, parallelism. The last sentence of chapter one is an issue about parallel structure. You used a verb with “ed” and then you used a gerund. Pick one or the other and stick with it.

You don’t have spelling errors, but I noticed one because you were probably typing too quickly. “Both boys smiled at her as the leaned . . .”

I think Elena would have been more professional and more formal when she was speaking to two clients. I don’t believe any of the receptionists at hotels has ever said, “I’ll just get the keys.” Get . . . No. 

By the way, are they staying at a very cheap hotel? I would have expected them to be wealthier. I’m not sure about hotels in Egypt, but a lot of hotels don’t use real keys anymore. They have keys that look like credit cards.

Instead of telling us how nervous she was, you should show us how anxious she was around them. Sure, her cheeks blushed, but what else? Did she drop the keys when their hands touched? Did she stutter? Did one of the boys have to remind her to do her work? 

No hyphenation between overreacting. It’s one beautiful word that does not need to be broken.

It seems a bit unlikely for Elena to be taking on so many jobs like being a maid, and a receptionist at the hotel. I don’ remember receptionists being maids as well . . . unless again, this hotel is really a motel.

Okay, I don’t think guys say “lily white legs”. I think it would just be, “They were probably blinded by your whiteness.” If he’s more vulgar, he could have said, “They were probably blinded by your fucking paleness.”

“Shut up talking to me, I’m ignoring you.” Major run-on. Fix please.

I think something is lacking about Jared and his brother, Matthew. I believe it’s Matthew. Jared should have been one of the main characters, but he’s fading in this story. His words aren’t strong enough. Elena’s character is also underdeveloped. She isn’t making me . . . go, “Wow, I need to read about her.” I don’ have to love her, but I need to be able to follow her story. 

I thought your writing style was interesting just by looking at the prologue. However, I think it started to lose its charm as the story progressed. I think you were tired from describing the situation or may be too eager to write the story. Whatever it may be, try to take things slowly and make sure that your story continues to entice the readers.

I can’t really comment on the plot so far since there were only three chapters, but I feel that I can already predict what is to happen. Elena is obviously beginning to fall for Jared, but she feels inferior to him. Jared is probably attracted to her because she has a sad past with her parents dying in a fire. Jared is the gentle type; thus, he will comfort her. She is scared of being comforted since she feels that she doesn’t deserve him and that she doesn’t want to lose him. You might throw in the brother to make a love triangle, but it doesn’t seem like it so far.

I have to say that it doesn’t matter whether or not your plot is simple or not. You can have a magnificent plot, but have a horrible writing style. You can have a mundane plot, but have an amazing voice. Of course, you can try to tackle both. That will be a challenge. 

I’m sure that if you fix some of the problems I have mentioned, then your story will become more popular.

I hope I was helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/909463-find-a-way

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Review # 5: Behind the Eyes of Tortured Souls by TexasRae

Because this story is unlike others in structure, I will make headings for each part.

Chair segment

Okay, I know that you’re trying out a different writing style, but do not center things when they’re not supposed to be centered.

The first sentence was awkward. You’re using the wrong connecting word. “So” doesn’t match there. It would have been better if you had written it as: Molly had begun to realize its presence for it had always been there. (Passive voice in your sentence doesn’t seem to work well.)

I believe you’re looking for “rocking” not “rocked”. I think you should consider reading your sentences aloud to see if they make sense. Sometimes when you’re typing too quickly, you don’t realize your errors. It’s only when you read them to yourself that you realize that you’re making some silly error.

“Since before the times”? That sounds weird. 

Oh yes, don’t end your sentences with a preposition.

(Yes, spelling. Amidst is spelled like this, not like what you typed there.)

Hair portion and Tree

The first sentence does not make sense structurally. Long, dark, flowing what? Sure, it’s given that it’s hair. Then, add in your noun or if you want to keep that style, just add a period. Don’t use a comma. It’s not structured that way for those types of sentences. (I see that this is a trend of yours. The end of the first paragraph shows another one of these faults.)  

No run-on sentences. Put a period after “he braided” and after “she slept”. You may be have wanted to create a poetic approach, but please do not break rules of grammar. Again, this has become a trend.

Check the spelling of your work please! (I had to come back to say this again. Do not make silly spelling errors with your and you’re.)

Please do not spontaneously capitalize words.

Summary

I can tell that you wanted to experiment with a different writing style. I can also tell that you are trying your utmost to make fluid and poetic sentences. However, please do not ignore grammar. Even if it’s poetic, it still has to be grammatical correct. Your sentences have become so confusing to read that I have to restructure them in my head. That is not good when I feel that I am rewriting your work. 

I applaud you for attempting something new and for trying to develop your own voice. I know that your story is meaningful even though I am only given one chapter to review. There is a message, but it is too hard to find with these types of sentences.

I suggest that you pay extra attention to your spelling. You’re making very silly errors. You may be typing quickly, but always scan what you read. Although I admit that I don’t do complete edits for my own stories before I release them, I still do check on my grammar and spelling.

I also propose that you read your writing out loud. You will understand what I mean by your confusing language.

I hope you take what I’ve said to heart,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/872875-behind-the-eyes-of-tortured-souls

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Review # 4: Totally Fabulous! by annie93

Here comes the technical stuff.

I see run-on sentences and fragments and behold, I am confused. I suggest that you read your sentences aloud and you will notice their errors. The whole second paragraph made me skim because of how your sentences were structured. After reading your third paragraph, I have realized that these two errors have become a trend. Please change this trend. (I would have given examples, but . . . there were just so many.)

No single quotation marks unless they are quotations within quotations. 

Make sure your tenses are not mixed up. Stick with one tense. 

Good work with your dialogue though. So far, I don’t see any errors. Okay, I take that back. I see one error and now another. Take a look at the last two quotations. 

“That’s OK,” Mr. Gerding said, “Thanks for contributing, Myles.”  <- I would have preferred a period after “said” because it was not a disjointed sentence.

“You’re welcome” The boy she thought to be Myles responded. <- Because he didn’t take an action, you don’t capitalize the “the”, and you are also missing a comma after “welcome”.

Now, there are more problems with your dialogue. Be careful of the punctuation. Commas go inside the quotation marks, not outside.

Redundancy. Be careful of your word choice. I’m noticing that you quite like to use slang, and your vocabulary should be more varied. Look at the first sentence of page two.

“After her Biology class and English right after .  .  .” <- You just said after and now there is a right after?

The flow of your paragraphs could be improved. Sometimes, I feel that you’re lacking transitions. (This is something that I have to work on too.) 

Please develop your characters more. There’s something lacking about Cathy that I have to admit that I am somewhat bored by her. Okay, I know she is rich. So what? I know she is smart. You’ve repeated that notion several times. I give you credit for showing that she is intelligent though. I know you did try to add some more description to Cathy through the use of other characters, but I think that dialogue could have been better. There wasn’t that anger that I was looking for in Leslie nor did the other girls seemed to have their own voices. (I read every dialogue in my head, so that is what I mean by having their own voices. I can’t hear those voices.)

I have to confess that there is something lacking in the plot. Sure, these are introductory chapters, but I’m not entirely hooked. Perhaps, it’s also because your characters do not seem to come to live. That’s part of why I’m not convinced. 

To sum everything, I will say that you do have grammatical errors, which did impede me. However, I see that the main issues are character development and plot. I don’t need to be a fan of Cathy, but make her interesting. Like I said to another writer, make your character someone special. I’m sorry, but for a character to be rich and smart doesn’t say much. So, what are some other qualities that differentiate your protagonist from others? 

As for plot, I can kind of predict what will happen. Leslie will probably hate Cathy, but they will have to work together to solve their differences. Leslie might bully Cathy. Cathy might make things worse by being some girlfriend of some other guy that Leslie likes. Sure, you can overcome plot, but having persuasive characters. A lot of the novels I have read focus on characterization rather than plot. I have to add that it is much harder to write a book on characterization than on plot, so . . . do something about your plot as well.

I think there is potential in this story, and that your writing style is fine. I see some type of writing style, so that's a good sign. The story just needs to have a hook and be exciting. My heart should be pumping at an excessive rate since I'm so intrigued about whatever you have written.

I know you were looking for honesty, so I hope I was honest enough,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/311453-totally-fabulous

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Review # 3: Hidden Memories by TheLoserFromNoWhere

I shall begin with my initial observations and go from there.

Watch out for your tense shift. Stick with one tense. You like to switch from past to present and then back to past, etc. This makes your story harder to follow. (I have looked at your second chapter and this problem persists. Please fix it.)

Do space your ellipses properly. They are not bunched up periods. Instead, there should be a space between each part of the ellipses, like such . . . 

Speaking of ellipses, please revise the proper usage of them. I admit that they’re tricky, but there are always rules to follow for grammar. I believe there should not a set of ellipses after “There was a note [ . . .]”

If you’re referring to a brand name of a product, please capitalize the brand. The Vans in “I put on my vans” should have been capitalized.

There is no need to be redundant. What I mean by that is choose whether you want to show or tell to reveal some characteristic of a character. Let’s take a look at an example: “I scrunch the paper up and throw it in the corner. My Great Aunt has died and they don’t bother telling me! The best they can do is written words. They make me so angry. I HATE THEM ALL!”

Clearly, her scrunching the paper into a ball and tossing it aside already demonstrates her anger. There is no need to say “They make me so angry.” In fact, by saying that, it takes away from her anger. I hate them all? I think it’s obvious from what you have written before that your protagonist has issues with her parents.

I have to say that do not be lazy with your transitions. Transitions are difficult, but they are important in that they help your story flow. The last paragraph of the first page needed a transition.

Oh, be aware of run-on sentences. The first paragraph of chapter two is your run-on sentence. You just needed to add in “while” between “breath” and “receiving”.  Do not end your sentences with a preposition. Same sentence for this example.

You need a comma between two adjectives and hyphenate certain adjectives, like “oh so mysterious” to  “oh-so-mysterious“.

Your “hot guy” needs to be “hotter”. Yes, I don’t like to use the word, hot, but to accommodate people, I will use it. I see generic descriptions of his hair, which was repeated a couple of times, and of his eyes. What makes him so “hot”? Okay, I know there are emerald, green eyes, but . . . what makes them capture your attention so much? Yes, I’ve seen a ton of blonde hair in my life. So what makes that so special? You could perhaps use some similes or metaphors to convince the readers of his good looks. I realize that you have pictures of characters on the right, but do not rely on pictures to persuade your readers. Try to use your words.

Spelling! Do not confuse you’re and your. Like I said to another writer, homonyms are homonyms.

Again, with the repetition. Repetition can be useful, but in this case, I would say that it is taking away from your story. Instead of telling us how much their parents are different from before, just continue to show me how they’re annoying or disinterested in their children. Yes, Jeremy has drug and drinking issues. So, please just show how he abuses himself. The same applies with her being a loner. We know she’s a loner because you have mentioned it several times. The question is how. How is she a loner and what makes her a loner?

Frankly, I can’t imagine that she is falling for Tyler so quickly and easily. I would have expected her character to be incredibly stubborn, but she has proven to be quite weak. She falls for him mostly out of his looks. Okay, so he offers her warmth, but being a loner, would she even accept affection from a total stranger?

I think you were taking a shortcut for chapter six. I was at first intrigued by the idea that she was kidnapped. I thought maybe, the kidnappers would have wanted ransom. Then a whole adventure would continue where she would have Stockholm’s syndrome. Sadly, I was disappointed . . . to find that the issue was completely resolved in one chapter, where if I remember correctly she also regains her memory! I honestly felt that you were rushing here. Take your time to describe things like you did in chapter one.

Tyler being a childhood friend and her losing her memory and then remembering all of her past truly seemed unrealistic. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I think if you had used clues to lead us to solve the mystery, the story would be more interesting. You’d have more to write about as well. 

So, time for my overall thoughts. I thought you started out well, and had established a writing style, but as the story went on, you seemed to have lost your patience and your diligence. I may be blunt; however, I must say that the plot needs to be fixed. I was not left convinced with this twist. Also, please develop your characters more. Annabelle is your protagonist so make her someone special. Right now, she seems like a typical, lost teenager.

I liked your dialogues even though sometimes, you’d be missing some commas here and there. I still felt that flow was overall fine, and that there was some humour.

That is all I believe needs to be said,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/850091-hidden-memories

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