I do a lot of stupid things and a lot of random stuff happens in my life. This time, I managed to forget to pack my cell phone, yet my cell phone charger was in my luggage. This was beyond stupid. I had to call using a pay phone to tell my mom to express mail it to me. She was laughing as hard. Luckily, she didn’t really mad at me. She just thought I was foolishly funny. What was even worse was that when I was sitting around waiting for the plane, all these grandmothers and grandfathers were using Kindles, cell phones and laptops. I felt so out of place, so archaic, so behind. I felt like fate was just laughing at me. I was stuck with my textbooks and a novel that I have to read for my English class.
So, that’s stupid move number one. Random thing number one is that I manage to see a beaver on campus. I’m just walking to geography class and bam, I witness a beaver collecting bits of wood. This is so crazy. I immediately whisper, “What the fu.ck?”

I can’t take a picture of it though because I’m going to be late. I already wasted a minute on this creature just mesmerized by its presence. Ah, I say to myself. I’ve got to go to class to meet Mr. Ninja! I have to sit next to him again!

But do I? 

The retarded me forgets to wear glasses so my vision is blurry when it comes to people’s faces. My instinct directs me to an empty row, and by the time I realize what has happened, I’m sitting by myself and I spot Mr. Ninja on the other side of the class! Damn it! Goddamn it! I look better without glasses and . . . he cut his hair. He looks even better. His side profile is lovely. Actually, now that I think of it, I’ve always seen one side of his face or noticed that. Is it absurd to really like a person’s side profile? Oh my god. I think I am crazy for probably liking only one side of his face and not his whole face. Oh my god.

I’m sweating too. It’s the end of February and there’s supposed to be snow, yet it’s so hot today. It wasn’t this hot this morning when I had to write my midterm. Now, I feel my whole upper body burning in heat and my face is red. I’m kind of glad I’m not beside him so he doesn’t catch this scene. He does, though, . . .
Wait. I was looking in his direction, and he was clearly looking in mine. Our eyes just met and he immediately glanced straight ahead pretending that nothing happened. I see that his face is completely red like a cherry tomato. Then, after a while, his face is normal again. He doesn’t really look in my direction anymore. I can’t help but wonder if he was just hot or if he was embarrassed. I’m not sure what he’s doing. I’m not even sure what I’m doing.

Oh right, I’m supposed to chase after him and interact with him after class. Do I succeed? No. This guy rushes out the door. I’m like two metres away from him, and I absolutely give up. There’s no sense in running after this man. I just walk slowly sighing. I’m supposed to go pick up my library books, but I sort of want to see that beaver again. I’m determined to snap a picture of this animal and guess what? The beaver does not appear! What an as.shole!

So, this is how I sulk all the way back to my dorm. I walk super slowly, hoping that Mr. Ninja will come. I end up giving up all hope when I reach the entrance. Kai will not show up. This is just how my life is supposed to be. Sans boyfriend. Sans l’amour. Oh, the pitiful life I lead. Oh, the . . .

“Excuse me, could you open the door for me?” I look back and see this man in an automated wheelchair. Before I can react, a lady shows up to do what he asks. 

I feel bad, so I apologize, “I’m sorry.”

The man doesn’t say anything and the girl sort of frowns at me. God, it isn’t my fault that I need to think a bit longer after suffering from these two traumatic events: a disobedient beaver and a running Mr. Ninja. I kind of want to scream out loud, but I remain cool. I head to the elevators to my right, and press the button up. Suddenly, I hear the sound of the front door closing. I look in that direction but don’t really realize who it is. Now, the elevator door opens, and out of the blue, I hear a voice calling, “Oh hey!” I glance at the corridor where he’s supposed to pass by, but there’s no one there. He disappears like a true ninja! 

Gosh! Then, I hear him ask, “How . . . was your break?” 

I totally ignore that door and walk towards the voice. I know that sound way too well. It’s Kai. No, it’s Kai! “Oh hi!” I answer with a smile. “It was good. How was yours?”

I notice in his hand that he has ordered a sub. I wonder if it’s for dinner or for lunch. I should have asked that as a joke, yet I forget once I see him fixing his already fine hair. I read online that a guy fixing his hair means that he’s nervous or that he wants to look good in front of you. He has adjusted his hair several times in front of me before. I wonder . . . 

Now, he tells me while staring at me, “It was good.”

“Did you visit friends and family?” I wonder.

“Yeah, I had time to do that,” he replies with a gentle grin.

“Did you actually get some studying done then?”

He corrects me in a slightly shocked voice, “Oh no, I already had my midterms before, so I didn’t really need to do much. There was only the feasibility Powerpoint.”

“Oh, I just had my midterm this morning,” I inform him.

“How was it?”

My eyes wander at the vending machine behind him that also happens to sell condoms for five bucks. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of such random stuff, but I try my best to answer, “It was kind of retarded. I mean . . . there were questions asking what was the most true or most false?”

“Yeah . . .” he begins to mumble again. “It happens.”

“Yeah, oh well.” I shrug my shoulders. We have a moment of awkward silence. I think we both don’t know what else to say. I don’t really think this is the right time to chat for very long, so I settle on saying, “Well, I guess I’ll see you!” 

I wave at him, and he smiles back, uttering, “Yeah, bye.”

Once I go into the elevator, I phone Yura to tell her everything. “So, what do you think? Does he hate me? I mean, I thought he had been avoiding me but he called out to me this time? I’m so confused!”

Yura takes a moment to digest what I’ve asked. Then, she sighs, “I guess he’s just really bad at texting.”

“Wait, so he doesn’t hate me right and he’s not avoiding me right?”

Yura giggles at me, teasing, “No, of course not, silly. He wouldn’t have approached you first if he really hated you!”

“Then what about that blushing thing?”

“I think he’s shy,” Yura concludes.

“I guess I’ll just try to sit next to him next time and then ask him to save me a spot in the future so I don’t have to chase after him,” I suggest. “It’s really tiring on my part. I end up getting a huge work out.”

“Well, you kind of need it. I think you gained a tiny bit.”

“You know, I think so too. I’ve been eating too many donuts. I feel a bit of fat going to form around my stomach.”

Yura shouts over the phone, “Oh my god. Speaking of donuts, I really need a big one!”

“Why?”

“Well, you know how I said I was going to do it, and . . . it was a disaster. It hurt so much!” Yura proclaims at me. I’m so thankful that I have this not on speaker phone and that I’m no longer in the elevator. I’m walking down the hall though. Hopefully, I won’t meet anyone.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Yura mopes, “I should have done it first with someone more experienced.”

“Yura! That’d be cheating!”

“Okay, okay, I was just joking,” Yura gives me that scoff. “Seriously, though, he needs to increase his skills. He’s so bad at it. It didn’t feel good at all. I hope yours will be good in the future for the first time.”

I almost trip over my own feet when I hear her say that. She can’t be serious? I haven’t even kissed yet! I haven’t even held onto a guy’s hand for a long time! All the times I did were for school. There was camp, where we had to hold hands and let a guy lead us while the girl was blindfolded. I had a crush on that boy who directed me to places. Sadly, my young heart was broken once he started dating this active girl with a really, really big head. I swear, I don’t mean to be mean or anything, but her head was huge. It kind of reminded me of Humpty Dumpty. The other times were for gym class. We had to square dance. God, that was awful. At least after that experience, I realized what sort of hands I liked: drier and colder ones. I really don’t like hot and sweaty ones. Yuck.

“I don’t think that’ll happen any time soon, Yura,” I correct her.

“Well, keep working with that guy,” she advises in a gentle voice. “At least we know that he’s not avoiding you now.”

Yes, at least Kai doesn't hate me. That's a good sign.

---

What’s an even better sign is that he said hello to me first while we were passing by each other in opposite directions yesterday. He used to never greet me, and he had music on this time. Maybe, he just never saw me before or thought I didn’t notice. This time, both of us looked at each other and smiled. I heard him greet me before I replied. The funny part was that there was this guy before him that kind of looked like Kai. Now, I was getting nervous if it was Kai because to be honest, I haven’t had the chance to really, really examine Kai’s facial features. Even when I’m picturing him in my head, I can’t seem to get his lips and jaw right or . . . his nose. For some reason, I’m always seeing the side of his face. I only know his side profile well. This is pretty sad, I realize, but that’s why I wasn’t really sure if the guy wearing black sunglasses along with brown leather gloves and a leather jacket was actually Kai. 

I was even thinking, okay, if I don’t greet him, it’d be rude, but if I do greet this guy and it’s not Kai, then that’s just weird. I mean, I know Kai is supposed to go to class around this time while I’m returning from my business class. So, the odds of this guy being Kai were kind of high. I was betting that it wasn’t Kai based on instinct and the fact that it was completely unreasonable for a guy to be wearing sunglasses when it was cloudy and rainy. And leather gloves like a biker’s? I didn’t think that matches Kai’s personality. I honestly can’t believe how fast my mind thinks because this happens within a matter of seconds.

And just when I stopped paying attention to him, emerging slyly behind him was Kai. Well, I wasn’t entirely sure that it was Kai until I looked up again. That was when our eyes caught hold of each other; I was about to cross the street, and he just stepped onto the sidewalk. To be honest, I think I was rather shocked by his sudden appearance. I had scurried from business class, which was on the other side of the campus, to the Science library to pick up some of my books. I like my books to be delivered there since I’m used to checking things out with their system. Who knew that they invested in new machines? So, I had to learn how to use the self-checkout again within minutes. I had to time it so that at 3:15 pm I’d meet Kai around that crosswalk. I’ve realized that on certain days of the week, he has class around that time, and by the time he gets out of his house, he’ll be there at 3:15 pm typically. I got out of class at 2:50 pm and somehow, with all those impediments and while carrying a bag of heavy books and a knapsack filled with more books, I still got to see Kai.

Life doesn’t feel so bad anymore. I’m not that nervous as in my heart is pounding crazily when I see Kai, but there’s a pleasant feeling that I’m going to have a good day. This idea seems a bit stupid and foolish. I don’t really mind though because at least, Kai isn’t avoiding me for sure now. Call me optimistic, but I think he’s slowly opening up to me. Maybe, he doesn’t like me like I do for him. It doesn’t matter; it’s still some progress!

There should be more progress today! Wait, I shouldn’t curse myself and then get disappointed when nothing happens. I know that he has taken a liking to sitting on the right side of the hall. That’s really unlike him, to be honest, but I guess I’ll just follow him. I don’t want to keep having conversations that are just about school. I can’t exactly ask him flat out what his interests are. That’s pretty awkward.

Yup, I managed to jinx myself because of an overload of happiness. It’s even more awkward that I’m in class sitting around where he was last time, but where is this man? Nowhere to be seen. He really likes to ruin my plans. I feel like I’m going in circles. There’s really no ending to this pathetic cycle huh? He’s driving me in misery, reminding me of that Maroon 5 song, "Misery". I’m singing it in my head.

I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me 
(Oh yeah)
Why won't you answer me
The silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
Gonna get you back

Girl you really got me bad? Make it boy . . . so unfair. I mean this is a guy singing about a girl driving him crazy. Why is it the opposite way for me? Huh? Why? If someone handed me a wooden pencil right now, then I’d break it in half. I’d break twenty in fact. F.uck. Really. F.uck my life.
“Oh hi. Yeah, I’m—“
I don’t exactly pay attention to what this guy said, but I know his voice. This voice is coming from behind me. It’s Nam Biho. He kind of reminds me of Kyuhyun; they actually share the same astrological sign: Leo. Now, I believe in astrology even though I’m a firm believer in the Sciences. Why? Because from personal experience, I don’t get along with certain signs and a lot of signs show similar personality traits. Obviously, you can’t just look at the sun sign. You have to look at other signs. People always just stick with the sun sign, which really makes me shake my head. Tsk. Tsk.

Kyuhyun and Biho both have that egocentric side; they like hearing compliments, and they’re outgoing. They’re definitely not shy. See, I don’t mind Leos. My own mother is one, my cousins are too, and some of my closest friends are as well. The female ones, I find, are fine for me. Male ones are more mentally draining. Both don’t like criticism at all, and what’s worse is that they won’t admit that they don’t like to lose face. They like saying that they don’t care about what others think. my happy poopoo, I say. That’s a lie!

So, why am I going into such detail with Leos? Biho happens to be one, and I’m debating whether or not to greet him. I’m a bit bored, yet I’m not sure if I want to socialize. He’s right behind me though. I am 100 percent positive that he knows that it is me. A part of me is thinking that he purposely sat behind me. Last time I talked to him, he accidentally blurted that he noticed that I liked to switch seats when I said I hadn’t seen him in class lately. 
Oh what the heck! 

I turn around and say, “Hey! Long time no see!”

Biho still looks the same, except with a buzz cut. He still resembles a bit of a gorilla because of his flatter nose and large, round eyes. He isn’t very tall or thin either, so he’s slightly on the bulkier side. He’s definitely not fat however. He’s just not eye candy for me or even ear candy. Personality wise, I’m not won over either. He’s a nice guy, just somewhat superficial like Kyuhyun. 

“Oh wow,” he utters. “Yeah I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“How are you doing?” I ask politely. “Is anyone sitting beside you?” 

There’s a pile of stuff on the chair beside him, and he takes a glance at it. Then, he shakes his head, noting, “No, that’s just my stuff.”

“Okay, I’ll just move up then.” Moving it aside, I bring my backpack and jacket with me and go to that seat. “So, how was your break?”

“Good.”

“Did you go back to . . .” 

I kind of forget which city he lives in, but luckily, he answers with his eyes still glued to his netbook’s screen, “No. I actually got into an internship though!”

“Oh wow! Congratulations! How’d you do that? Did you just send your resume to companies or—“

“It’s this.” He pokes at his screen and browses to a particular site.

I’m more amazed at his netbook than at his achievement. I can’t resist, sputtering, “Oh my god! You can touch your screen?”

Then, he becomes a bit cheesy now that I think of it. He has a knowing smirk as he adds, “And watch this.” He disconnects the screen from the keyboard. I’m even more amazed; my reaction is probably like someone watching an infomercial selling some bizarre yet practical product. Handing the device to me, he declares, “Try it. Scroll down.”

I kind of want to swish my fingers all across and poke here and there, but I settle on just touching it gently. I don’t want to taint it. I’m not sure if he thinks I’m being too gentle or whatever, but his finger grazes mine. I’m a bit taken aback because he really didn’t need to touch me. I’m thinking of all those body language articles I’ve read. A male would want to touch more of you if he was interested in you. I doubt Biho likes me in that way, but he still touched me.

I don’t like his touch, so I utter, “Wow! That’s pretty cool! And how’d you find this internship?”

“Oh, it’s through this university in China,” he explains to me. “It’s pretty decent. They put you with companies for a few weeks and you live on campus.”

I remember asking him before what internships he applied to, and he was being very vague, so vague that I knew he didn’t want me to apply to them too. Biho is competitive in that way. He even wanted my notes before and proposed we exchanged. I said no because I didn’t like how he was forcing me to give them to him. It was after that that we sort of stopped talking to each other. I felt that he was only trying to befriend me to get my lecture notes. No thank you. I don’t need this type of friend then. 

Sigh. That’s another one added to the list of incompatible guys. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to find the right guy even for a boyfriend. Heck, I’m not going to marry any of them. It’s just a simple romance. Why is it that mangas and dramas make it seem so easy? I guess they skip all the boring parts and jump to the point where the protagonist has met her guy. Still . . . that girl’s love story is much more interesting than mine. Usually, there’s nothing guy that shows undying love for her. She has good options, and me? 

I have pretty shi.tty ones. No offense, but I’m losing faith in the male population. All the good guys are gay, taken or nonexistent. The good guys, who seem to have it all, can also turn out to be jerks, but the funny thing is that the girls don’t really mind. Girls are even fine with being the other or one of the others. That sends a bad message for the guys. They can play around just fine, and if they’re filthy rich, then of course, there will be more girls flocking towards them.
I know, I know. I know I shouldn’t be generalizing, and I shouldn’t be so pessimistic. Really though? If nothing is really working out in your life, then of course you’re going to mope. I’m definitely swimming through a pool of complaints. I can’t even focus on this lecture properly. I can’t help but wonder if there’s an actual progress between Kai and me. 

He only really just said, “Hey.”

Does that even count as something? He’s a weird guy for sure. I’m pretty sure he ignored me before when we passed by each other. So . . . all I can say is that he is beginning to initiate conversations? But, neighbours do that all the time. My mom says hi to the old lady next door when they see each other at the grocery store. In fact, that old lady even greets my mom first. 

I feel like I’m running in circles or going in super slow motion. Is that how Kai’s brain works? Why do I think he’s even more socially challenged than me? Oh right, I was the one that greeted him from the start. Yup, he is definitely more anti-social than me or maybe this is the first time I’ve met a real shy guy. Shy guys . . . can you tell me why you can’t even say hi to a girl? Wait, Kai was super natural with that girl. Grr. Plus, I’ve seen Kai speak to his business group; he was explaining to them about a few concepts. He could speak so well and so quickly. So . . . why is it that he’s so awkward around me? 

I guess . . . even being his friend will be hard.
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