Here I go again with my typical reviewing style. 

At first glance, I notice that it seems like you are using two to three different fonts. I'm not sure if it's the copying and pasting onto blogspot that destroys your old font or if you're doing this on purpose. The point is that it bothers the readers' eyes. I'm distracted by this small difference in font styles and it's not good when I'm unfocused! Since, your writing can be copy and pasted onto blogspot, it makes my life easier. I don't have to type your sentences onto this post to quote them. Realize though, that there will be two different fonts used.


This sentence below is troublesome. The problem is "it". When you replace a noun with a pronoun, the pronoun would refer to the closest noun that you have replaced. So, in this case, you have replaced "wound" with "it" when I am pretty sure that you meant to substitute the word, "hand".

My hand slipped under my shirt and pressed against the wound. I brought it to my face and could see blood gleaming in the dark.

I see another problematic sentence.

I needed to get rid of of the blood.  

I'm assuming that the repetition of "of" is a typo. I disapprove of the use of italics when you are trying to emphasize a word. The word should be able to do its job. Plus, you typically italicize for titles of novels, movies, etc.


No run-on sentences please. Here are a few examples below.

I grimaced at my red hands, I had to get rid of the red.  

I swallowed hard, my body freezing up at the sound whisper of crushed dead leaves.


I stilled, my mouth going dry. 
 
I couldn't outrun these things, their speed was impeccable, the only think I could do was fight.  

Commas are not substitutes for periods.

I suggest varying your vocabulary. I keep seeing the same words: blood and shirt. There are other words to describe blood and clothing. 

This scene was a bit redundant.

Crunch Cru-

They were here. 
 
Okay, so I know the crunches have stopped, which means that they are there!
 
You sometimes forget to add commas to signify pauses in sentences. 
In most cases a normal person would have made a run for it by now, but being raised by a Head Hunter certainly did not make me a normal person. 
 
There needs to be a comma after "in most cases." Okay, I need to dissect this sentence further. Again, there is redundancy. You start by saying that a normal person would have done this, and then you go on saying that you were not a normal person. Now, this isn't the repetitive part. What makes this sentence awkwardly phrased is that you use the phrase "a normal person" twice. I know that repetition can be useful, but in this case, it takes away from your meaning. You could have said, "Most people would have ran, but I chose to stay. The Head Hunter had prepared me to stay." Something to that effect . . .

My eyes widened. Looks like I didn’t think fast enough. 
 
Do not shift your tenses.

Now, let's take a closer look at this part of a paragraph.

Me and some random killer who hadn’t even graced me with his wonderful presence. I would have liked to see the face of the man who was going to kill me. Maybe even get to know his name. Was that too much to ask?
 
"Me and some random killer . . ." is not how you construct a sentence. Moreover, it's weird for you to use a fragment here. It just doesn't fit with your previous sentence. The word "random" should be replaced with another. It doesn't sound right. Her way of thinking doesn't really match her character so far. She is scared and now she's suddenly curious to see who will kill him or even wants to "get to know his name"?
  
Here's another sentence that is unnecessary. 

His voice scared me, and I immediately let go. 

I think it's pretty self-explanatory that she would drop her knife because his voice had scared her. You could just have crossed out "[his] voice scared me." 

Punctuate your dialogues properly.

“You’re not much of a listener.” He said. 
 
In this case, you're supposed to use a comma after "listener".
 
I always find it funny in Shakespeare plays when the character has a soliloquy before his or her death. Now, this scene below reminds me of that situation.
 
The gunshot echoed throughout the forest, and my legs quivered. He had killed me.

I was dead. 
 
I think you can try to describe that blood is flowing out of her body or that her body is sensing some pain or what not. You didn't have to say explicitly that he had killed her and that she was dead. You can simply allude to the fact that she is dying.
 
I like that you have established some sort of writing voice and style. Your style reminds me of a wattpad writer's. You two use simple words and short sentences. This isn't a negative statement. What I have to warn you is that when you choose to use this style, you have to make sure that each word you pick is the right one. Diction becomes even more important. Transitions need to be perfect as well since you're providing us with concise phrases and descriptions. I like to think of this style as a minimalistic approach like in fashion. Minimalism can be elegant and smooth, but if not mastered well, it can potentially become a disaster.
 
I enjoyed not knowing that this was a vampire story until somewhere you added that word, vampire. I think it would have been much better to keep out that word and try to let us figure out this conundrum. 
 
As for your characters, I think this chapter did not need their comic relief. It was supposed to be a dramatic, mysterious scene, yet their jokes significantly reduce those effects. It felt like a parody about vampires after their light jokes.
 
I hope these will be helpful,
 
Jubie (cubierock11)   
   
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