This is definitely a stronger work compared to your other story. The writing voice is certainly there, but you're still having trouble punctuating your dialogues. You're switching tenses often as well. Ellipses come in sets of threes, not twos.

The phrase, "it's the pain isn't going to go" sounds awkward.

This story oddly reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio's situation in Inception. My goodness! I really feel that it is like Leonardo DiCaprio's failed relationship in that film. Did you by any chance watch that film? I'm just wondering. Hehehe.

I think the last paragraph after "she long to see him dead" could be cut out. You could have just ended with a dramatic phrase like "Now, all she could do was forgive him."

You might want to consider using another transition than saying "after X number of hours" etc .


There is no need in telling the readers how to read. Readers are perfectly capable of understanding your use of italics sooner or later.

"Alex is sat . . ." No! Alex is sitting or Alex sat . . .

I find it nice that Violet wants to take care of Alex, but it seems odd that Violet has so much time on her hands. It's not like Alex hired Violet to be a maid right? I mean even if my best friend were suffering, I would probably visit during the weekend, not like . . . every day? It seems weird if Violet has fallen in love with Alex too. I would suggest that you somehow explain why Violet has so much time and maybe go deeper about their friendship, so I don't think Violet just wanted to care for him.

I'm glad that Alex asks Violet why she is caring for him. I just think that that should have been established earlier. I would have wanted Alex to scream at Violet to leave him alone in the first chapter. (Plus, it is fun to make a character yell at another.) If he wanted to be left alone, he would not have asked why Violet was so good to him and then felt annoyed by her.

I'm not sure why page two of chapter two has a weird fragment. Did your sentence get cut off? I'm assuming that is the case.

Mhhm . . . "Violet is beginning to get seriously worried about him." This sentence does not match your overall writing style.

It's supposed to be "[if] he doesn't show any signs of improvement . . ." You missed a "s" after sign.

I'm pretty sure you will elaborate more about the Healers. Please do because you keep mentioning them in your story, but I am not sure what they do. Is this a piece of fantasy? I mean, I remember seeing the word magic, but it doesn't feel like it with the anti-depressants. I was expecting the Healers to be more of the shaman type of healers or ones that used herbs to heal people.

Okay, so I have confirmed that this piece has magic involved. I was not expecting that at all. I'm actually a bit concerned because from your writing tone, I feel that this story would be stronger without the magic.This story feels like a sentimental one, yet when there is magic incorporated, the magic of emotion drastically diminishes. I was sympathizing with Violet and now I'm trying to understand the foreign magic spells.

What I have said about the magical elements in your story may not apply if you're applying on making this story centered on some magical quest. If that's the case, then go ahead with the spells. If you're more concerned with maintaining the emotional aspects for this story, then I actually think you don't need the magic.

Did you right align/justify chapter three? I'm pretty sure you did because my eyes have noticed something different. Something is off about the formatting.

Compared to chapters one and two, chapter three was a lot weaker. Something is missing in this chapter. I skimmed through the Violet's actions. Remember . . . when you're describing someone's actions, try to make sure that they're important.

Concluding remarks! Yes, I love to summarize what I've said and be extremely repetitive. Anyhow, I think you've improved a lot compared to the last time I read your work. Your writing voice has become stronger, and your story is more engaging. I'm connecting with the characters more and they seem more believable. However, I think you have to try to keep that style throughout your story. Like I said, chapter three was a bit of a disappointment.

Hope this helps,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/916619-prologue
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