I'm not sure if you've read my reviewer's profile, so I thought I would warn you beforehand that I am harsh and that I am sarcastic. What I am doing though will hopefully help you.

I generally tell people not to say, "___'s POV". It's very hard to master this technique well. People tend to abuse it more than use it to its advantage. Plus, I think readers should be able to tell that this chapter is a memory of the past.

Even if your characters are very angry, you should not capitalize their words.

You add hyphens between certain adjectives. It’s “four-year-old sister” not “four year old sister”.

You start a new line whenever a different person speaks. You have to do that. 

Stop shifting your tenses.

You’re not using your quotation marks properly. You switch between single ones and double ones. Figure out the rules for them.

You’re missing some words here and there. I’m not sure whether or not you’re doing this on purpose to show that it’s a child writing, but I still find it odd when you miss apostrophes. 

I purposely skipped to the chapters that show Isabelle as a teenager to see if your writing style had changed. Unfortunately, Isabelle still sounds like a child. I was expecting Isabelle to have a different style of narration since she has matured. 

Oh, before I forget, don’t misuse your apostrophes. “Newbie’s” are different from “newbies.”
You seem to like to use parentheses. Don’t spontaneously use them. Do not use square brackets for no reason. You are not citing people’s words and replacing them with your own. Do not use abbreviations like “aka” for your story. Just spell them out: also known as. 

I don’t know why you are using stars to show that there is a scene occurring. If you are having a phone call, then you are having a phone call. There is no need to put *phone conversation*. 

Add commas when there are natural breaks in your sentences. 

I feel that the pace of the story is not very natural. It seems like you’re sprinting through everything. It also feels like your character is constantly experiencing sugar highs, but never seems to reach a state of withdrawal from hyper activity. You’re even making silly spelling errors, so yes, these all point to signs of hastiness.
I’m not sure if your story was intended to be dark, and mysterious. If those were your intentions, then I am sorry, but I do not believe that they were fulfilled. Your story seemed very upbeat and did not match the description that you had provided for your work.

I’m glad that you are taking time to describe actions. However, again, you’re speeding through these sentences. 

Luckily, Jace and Isabella have some chemistry. 

Why are you capitalizing “I Love You”? 

I honestly don’t like it when authors remind people to vote or to comment. Readers have choices. You shouldn’t have to direct them to do something. They will comment when they want. They will vote if they would like. I’d have to say, this is a pet peeve of mine. It also doesn’t look good in terms of formatting to have a large comment at the end of a chapter to fill half of a page.

PS. It was very difficult to read through the dialogues since you did not space them properly, so I am very sorry if this review seems choppy and short. 

I hope this was helpful,
Jubie (cubierock11)

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