Because this story is unlike others in structure, I will make headings for each part.

Chair segment

Okay, I know that you’re trying out a different writing style, but do not center things when they’re not supposed to be centered.

The first sentence was awkward. You’re using the wrong connecting word. “So” doesn’t match there. It would have been better if you had written it as: Molly had begun to realize its presence for it had always been there. (Passive voice in your sentence doesn’t seem to work well.)

I believe you’re looking for “rocking” not “rocked”. I think you should consider reading your sentences aloud to see if they make sense. Sometimes when you’re typing too quickly, you don’t realize your errors. It’s only when you read them to yourself that you realize that you’re making some silly error.

“Since before the times”? That sounds weird. 

Oh yes, don’t end your sentences with a preposition.

(Yes, spelling. Amidst is spelled like this, not like what you typed there.)

Hair portion and Tree

The first sentence does not make sense structurally. Long, dark, flowing what? Sure, it’s given that it’s hair. Then, add in your noun or if you want to keep that style, just add a period. Don’t use a comma. It’s not structured that way for those types of sentences. (I see that this is a trend of yours. The end of the first paragraph shows another one of these faults.)  

No run-on sentences. Put a period after “he braided” and after “she slept”. You may be have wanted to create a poetic approach, but please do not break rules of grammar. Again, this has become a trend.

Check the spelling of your work please! (I had to come back to say this again. Do not make silly spelling errors with your and you’re.)

Please do not spontaneously capitalize words.

Summary

I can tell that you wanted to experiment with a different writing style. I can also tell that you are trying your utmost to make fluid and poetic sentences. However, please do not ignore grammar. Even if it’s poetic, it still has to be grammatical correct. Your sentences have become so confusing to read that I have to restructure them in my head. That is not good when I feel that I am rewriting your work. 

I applaud you for attempting something new and for trying to develop your own voice. I know that your story is meaningful even though I am only given one chapter to review. There is a message, but it is too hard to find with these types of sentences.

I suggest that you pay extra attention to your spelling. You’re making very silly errors. You may be typing quickly, but always scan what you read. Although I admit that I don’t do complete edits for my own stories before I release them, I still do check on my grammar and spelling.

I also propose that you read your writing out loud. You will understand what I mean by your confusing language.

I hope you take what I’ve said to heart,

Jubie (cubierock11)

Reactions: