Behold, the blinding of the eyes. Yes, I may be exaggerating here with my wonderful hyperbole, but please, I urge you, do not bold entire paragraphs. Do not even think about bolding important words. Just simply bold your title. Technically, even bolding your title is not right. 

Place commas when needed. 

What does this mean, “I had back and hung my head low”? I’ve read that sentence three times and I am still confused.

When you have a flashback, it is very unnecessary to add “Flashback”. You should be able to write so that people know it’s a flashback. 

Actually, a lot of people wake up that early to go to school . . . so it’s really not that early. 

Please follow rule . Don’t be redundant. They’re intelligent and then they’re intelligent.

I don’t think self important is a word. If it is then I have learned a new word.

Hold on . . .  do I see a dollar sign? Why, yes I do. If you’re talking about money, then type that word. There is no need to use symbols. 

What does this mean: “I’m off the bus is collecting me as usual.” I did not understand that sentence at all. Yes, buses don’t collect people. Even when you’re, perhaps, using it as a personification, that verb doesn’t match at all with your intentions.

Spelling. Please . . . no silly typos. It’s “wolves”, not “wolfs”. Don’t substitute “IL” for “I’ll”. I’d think you’d be talking about the state of Illinois and even then . . .  

Anyone is one word, not two. Don’t use text language like “omg”. They don’t belong in dialogues or writing.

You are shifting your tenses.

Don’t use unnecessary fragments. “And stepped out onto the moist grass.” (Follow rule three.) There are more examples to provide, but I’d rather just keep it concise with one.

Anyone is one word, not two. I’m pretty sure “roommate” is a noun and not a verb. You can’t “roommate” with someone, but you can sure have a roommate.

You don’t need to title your work again for the next chapter.

Punctuate your dialogues properly. (Refer to rule six.)

Don’t spontaneously space out your paragraphs. One hit on the enter button should be enough.

Please read your own writing aloud. You will notice that you have either made a lot of typing errors or that you have created awkward sentences. Don’t end your sentences with a preposition. “Lawrence had finally found what he was looking for.” Also, I don’t think you reject having a cigarette by humping. “I humped.”
Spell out single digit whole numbers. There’s no such thing as a taster used in your context. I think you mean, “This is just a taste of what is to come.” 

Oh, by the way, I doubt normal parents would tell you their password to their bank accounts, so the withdrawal of 10,000 dollars is rather unrealistic. Plus, isn’t it more fun when you’re poor? You can add more conflict between the characters because of their lack of money. (Yes, I do realize that you made a character forgetful so they are all poor now. Yay for conflict!)

Why are you using italics all of a sudden? If it’s a flashback, then it’s not working as a flashback.

Ten flours? There are ten bags of flour in that house? No, I think you mean floors. 

Know when to use adverbs. “I walked as slow as possible” is incorrect. It is “I walked as slowly as possible.”

So, now I’m going to do a quick summary of what I think.

You need a lot of work with spelling. I do not believe that you are making typing mistakes now. I have gone through at least three chapters and I am convinced that you must improve your spelling. Please know that homonyms are homonyms. (Rule one)

Expand your vocabulary. For the sex scene, you could have replaced "kiss" with other words or descriptions.

I have to apologize, but I was too absorbed with your grammatical and spelling errors that I could not focus on characterization. Not to mention, you bolded a majority of your chapters! My eyes were already skimming. 

I like that you are trying to describe your settings or situations, but spend some time searching for the right words. When I’m reading your descriptions, the words don’t flow as well as they could be.

Please do not force your readers to vote for your story. Minimum of ten votes so they can read your next chapter within a certain time period? Your story should be good enough to compel them to vote. You don’t bribe them to vote nor do you beg them to vote for you. You stop uploading chapters because you don’t have enough votes? Please don’t say that or do that. You should be writing because you enjoy writing, not because you want votes.

I believe that is all for now,

Jubie (cubierock11)

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