I already see a grammatical mistake in the first sentence. (Refer to rule 9.) Yes, you do have a recurring problem with rule 9. 

Whoah, I see a very, very long sentence and my feelings are right. It is a run-on! I know that you were trying to be descriptive, but sometimes description can take away from your meaning too. (Refer to rule 2.)

You’re missing a word for your first sentence of your second paragraph: “However, like most of us like to do . . .” You should add “what” in between “like” and “most”. Yes, I see a trend. You have a tendency of omitting words that need to be there to make your sentences logical.

You have to remember to know that readers can’t assume they know what you’re saying. What I mean by that is the use of pronouns.  So let’s look at one sentence: “Every day the villagers would leave the house little after the sun rise and it would gleam at the fields bellow.” Actually, there are a lot of problems with this sentence. You need a comma after every day. It just  . . . sounds more natural. You need “a” before little. I can’t explain why that is so, but that is what we say. The main issue is “it”. What is it? Are you saying that it’s the sun or are you referring to the house? Oh yes, before I forget, you have a spelling error. I assume it’s a typing error. Oh no, it’s not a typing error. I see the same word spelled in the wrong way. (See rule 1.)

I would put “She suddenly tensed” after your second sentence. It makes more sense for her to hear something and then become nervous.

Oh no . . . Look at rule 6. You’ll know that you have punctuated your dialogue in the wrong way. If you’re still unclear why that is so, then just message me and I will explain more.

Be careful of your prepositions. You don’t say that you’ve seen someone in his or her lessons. You use the preposition, at.

So, what’s “daft girl”?

Is Argus a young boy? The latter of your dialogue makes him seem like an old, wise man. (Let me add now what I know from page two. So, Argus is an old man. However, he sounds like a teenager when he first speaks to Cecile. Fix that please.)

Don’t forget to add commas when needed.

All right. I know you pay attention to your descriptions, and I applaud you for attempting to write them. I do have images in my head, luckily. What bothers me though is how these descriptions don’t flow that well. It seems as though you’re throwing sentences at me. When I’m reading, I should feel like I’m watching an artist paint.

You can’t “collapse back”.

Space your ellipses properly. Period, space, period, space, period.

I think when you have been stabbed in the stomach, your speech would not be that eloquent. You’re in pain. You’re dying. Blood might be spewing from your mouth. (You’ll have to research about coughing blood from your mouth. I’m not sure if that’s normal when you’re stabbed in the stomach.)

What? She ran away? I thought she was going to confront him? So, she suddenly becomes really mad that she could break his neck and now she runs away? I think you’re forgetting to describe some emotions that led her to flee. She left an old companion to die!!

Idiot? I’m assuming that this was in the past. I don’t think they used the word idiot.

I feel that the dialogues are too modern unless of course, your story is set around our time, but society has still maintained its historical ways. If that’s the case, then do allude to that.

I think it’s better if she said, “You murderer!” Not . . . “you murdered!”

No matter how angry Cecile is, never put exclamation marks and question marks together.

She spat . . .on him? If so, please at least let him clean his face with his hand.

No slang. “Man servants”? 

Your plot is intriguing, but your grammatical errors are stopping me from properly enjoying this story. As for characters, Cecile seems a bit underdeveloped. I understand that you are still in the introductory chapters, but either make her really emotional or make her really indifferent or cruel to the people who snatched her. If she’s conflicted, then show more how she’s conflicted. Right now, she seems perfectly fine. It’s as if she’s conversing with a nice classmate that she met in Math class.

I would have also preferred some physical description of the characters, like the colour of their eyes or something special about their face. When you look at someone, you usually notice something about that person. It can be anything small like freckles spread across a person’s nose. 

Speaking of descriptions, I think I already said this, but I’ll repeat it. I realize that you are trying to provide imagery; however, sometimes the words that you use to describe the scenes don’t do much. I think it’s the way you constructed your sentences. Sentences can be long and detailed, but they must be clear and grammatically correct. 

I don’t know why, but I already have a feeling that she’ll be in love with the man that killed Argus. Usually, stories follow a trend, where the first man the protagonist is the one that she’ll eventually love. So, I hope you surprise me.  

Jubie (cubierock11)


*For specifics on rules, please refer to this:  http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing (I know you've read this already, but just in case you need more clarification.)