I already see a grammatical mistake in the first sentence. (Refer to rule 9.) Yes, you do have a recurring problem with rule 9.
Whoah, I see a very, very long sentence and my feelings are right. It is a run-on! I know that you were trying to be descriptive, but sometimes description can take away from your meaning too. (Refer to rule 2.)
You’re missing a word for your first sentence of your second paragraph: “However, like most of us like to do . . .” You should add “what” in between “like” and “most”. Yes, I see a trend. You have a tendency of omitting words that need to be there to make your sentences logical.
You have to remember to know that readers can’t assume they know what you’re saying. What I mean by that is the use of pronouns. So let’s look at one sentence: “Every day the villagers would leave the house little after the sun rise and it would gleam at the fields bellow.” Actually, there are a lot of problems with this sentence. You need a comma after every day. It just . . . sounds more natural. You need “a” before little. I can’t explain why that is so, but that is what we say. The main issue is “it”. What is it? Are you saying that it’s the sun or are you referring to the house? Oh yes, before I forget, you have a spelling error. I assume it’s a typing error. Oh no, it’s not a typing error. I see the same word spelled in the wrong way. (See rule 1.)
I would put “She suddenly tensed” after your second sentence. It makes more sense for her to hear something and then become nervous.
Oh no . . . Look at rule 6. You’ll know that you have punctuated your dialogue in the wrong way. If you’re still unclear why that is so, then just message me and I will explain more.
Be careful of your prepositions. You don’t say that you’ve seen someone in his or her lessons. You use the preposition, at.
So, what’s “daft girl”?
Is Argus a young boy? The latter of your dialogue makes him seem like an old, wise man. (Let me add now what I know from page two. So, Argus is an old man. However, he sounds like a teenager when he first speaks to Cecile. Fix that please.)
Don’t forget to add commas when needed.
All right. I know you pay attention to your descriptions, and I applaud you for attempting to write them. I do have images in my head, luckily. What bothers me though is how these descriptions don’t flow that well. It seems as though you’re throwing sentences at me. When I’m reading, I should feel like I’m watching an artist paint.
You can’t “collapse back”.
Space your ellipses properly. Period, space, period, space, period.
I think when you have been stabbed in the stomach, your speech would not be that eloquent. You’re in pain. You’re dying. Blood might be spewing from your mouth. (You’ll have to research about coughing blood from your mouth. I’m not sure if that’s normal when you’re stabbed in the stomach.)
What? She ran away? I thought she was going to confront him? So, she suddenly becomes really mad that she could break his neck and now she runs away? I think you’re forgetting to describe some emotions that led her to flee. She left an old companion to die!!
Idiot? I’m assuming that this was in the past. I don’t think they used the word idiot.
I feel that the dialogues are too modern unless of course, your story is set around our time, but society has still maintained its historical ways. If that’s the case, then do allude to that.
I think it’s better if she said, “You murderer!” Not . . . “you murdered!”
No matter how angry Cecile is, never put exclamation marks and question marks together.
She spat . . .on him? If so, please at least let him clean his face with his hand.
No slang. “Man servants”?
Your plot is intriguing, but your grammatical errors are stopping me from properly enjoying this story. As for characters, Cecile seems a bit underdeveloped. I understand that you are still in the introductory chapters, but either make her really emotional or make her really indifferent or cruel to the people who snatched her. If she’s conflicted, then show more how she’s conflicted. Right now, she seems perfectly fine. It’s as if she’s conversing with a nice classmate that she met in Math class.
I would have also preferred some physical description of the characters, like the colour of their eyes or something special about their face. When you look at someone, you usually notice something about that person. It can be anything small like freckles spread across a person’s nose.
Speaking of descriptions, I think I already said this, but I’ll repeat it. I realize that you are trying to provide imagery; however, sometimes the words that you use to describe the scenes don’t do much. I think it’s the way you constructed your sentences. Sentences can be long and detailed, but they must be clear and grammatically correct.
I don’t know why, but I already have a feeling that she’ll be in love with the man that killed Argus. Usually, stories follow a trend, where the first man the protagonist is the one that she’ll eventually love. So, I hope you surprise me.
Cheers,
Jubie (cubierock11)
http://www.wattpad.com/858302-arc-series-under-the-night-lights
*For specifics on rules, please refer to this: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing (I know you've read this already, but just in case you need more clarification.)
*For specifics on rules, please refer to this: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing (I know you've read this already, but just in case you need more clarification.)
Thank you, I have read that first sentence so many times, and I never realized it was incorrect. At least, incorrect concerning the tense I chose for my text. If clauses, eheh.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think my sentences are that long, or my descriptions for that matter. In fact, I have tried very hard to shorten them so they feel appropriate in the English language. You should read José Saramago (he’s a Portuguese writer); you’d be amazed then.
You’re missing a word for your first sentence of your second paragraph: “However, like most of us like to do . . .” You should add “what” in between “like” and “most”. – Not true; I completely disagree, in this case.
“…and it would gleam at the fields bellow.” Well, if it was gleaming, it certainly wasn’t the sun.
You didn’t specify the misspelling, and it would help if you do. I already corrected “the house” in the text, but you could have noticed something different.
“Cecilie heard the snapping of a twig behind her and she swore she had heard before leaves rushing when there was no wind. Her shoulders tensed and her hand immediately travelled...” Completely agree; this is much better.
In my defense, dialogues are punctuated in a completely different way in Portuguese, so, if you please, do specify what I’m doing wrong.
“Daft, girl”, I missed a comma there.
Yes, you can collapse back to your knees, if you had been on your knees before.
I do realize I’m missing a few character descriptions that I’ll be including once I revise my text again. I believe I’m trying too hard to stay again from the typical: “[insert name] was [insert trivial action] while she played with her [insert colour] hair. Her bright [insert colour] eyes ...”. Sometimes, I should embrace that straightforward way of writing.
ReplyDeleteSpace your ellipses properly. Period, space, period, space, period. “In the United States, the correct notation for an ellipsis is ". . ." per Modern Language Association (MLA) standards.” (from Wikipedia). Generally, ellipses are used without the spaces in between.
About Cecilie running away: Anwell had a sword; Cecilie had a stick.
I also think you are presuming too much by stating that Argus is an old companion.
If you assume this story is placed in the past, then you must assume Voldorin existed, at some point, in our world. Otherwise, how could you call their ways “historical ways” and get away with comparing them to our standard?
Simply consider it a new world; for if you can believe in knights and High Priestesses, can’t you believe the word “idiot” to exist?
Also, I did check: Idiot, Origin: 1250–1300; ME.
Spit: to express hatred, contempt, etc., by or as if by ejecting saliva from the mouth.
There is more than the literal meaning to the word.
Slang is merely language at its most informal; there is no need to fear it.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much again, and if you can please send me a message regarding the punctuation errors.
To Anonymous: I don't fear slang. Ahahaha.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind slang if it's used appropriately or if it suits whatever style you're achieving. If your characters seem like those that would use slang, then that works. I wouldn't comment about it. I might even praise it!
This thought also applies to other writing elements. If the fragments are working, then I wouldn't mind.
Okay, so I follow MLA. That's how I've been taught English. You don't have to follow MLA. Ahaha.
The word you're looking for is "below". You're either typing too quickly or having trouble spelling it.
After reading your response to my review, I think you're misunderstanding. Maybe, you're trying to create some writing style. I don't know. What I do know is that the sentences are not living up to their full potential.
I have read several Latin American novels and they do have very different writing styles compared to North American ones. The Latin American novels were not easy to read, but the sentences still flowed well and were clear.
Also, I think as a reader, I'm allowed to assume some things or to think in a certain way. That's what readers do. We have our own interpretations. You may not necessarily agree with our ideas about your story, but they are still what we have gathered from your story. So, when I say that I don't feel that it's historical, there is no need to try to convert me into accepting your way of thinking. That's just my grasp of the world you have created. I'm just suggesting ways that you could consider implementing to ameliorate your story.
You don't have to define words for me. I know what spit can also mean. I just interpreted it as her spitting on him simply because that would have been more dramatic and more effective. I can actually imagine him using his hand to wipe off the spit from his face and and then looking at her in disgust.
Okay, so I didn't see her with a stick. I apologize for that. From what you've written about her character though, I still believe that she would not have run away. That's just how I feel about Cecile. You probably know her better so . . .
Anyhow, I'm just offering what I think about your story. If you don't agree with what I've said, then just keep them the way they are. You're the writer, so you make the final decision.
About punctuation errors, I don't know about Portuguese ways. I'm going by North American/British terms, so if your teacher has taught you to use a certain way, then keep it like that.
I'll have to look at your punctuation problems later. I have a lot of other reviews to do as well as other work, so you'll have to be patient with me.