Hi,

You asked me to read one of your stories, but you haven't responded to my question as to which one you wanted me to read. Therefore, I just picked this story.

Anyhow, here's the review. It will be short since there are only two pages. However, I will still do my best.

Remember to punctuate your dialogues properly. You're not supposed to add a comma after the quotation marks. Commas go inside.

You shift your tenses at times, so watch out for that. You also need commas to create natural pauses in speech.

Single, whole numbers need to be spelled out. So, "[he] has been in prison 3 times . . ." should be "[he] has been in prison three times . . ."

Misunderstood is one word; there is no need to hyphenate. "He is a mis-understood man. He is a nice man" are two sentences that need to be fixed. It seems weird to say call someone a "misunderstood man". The problem with "[he] is a nice man" is that it doesn't flow well after the previous sentence. Maybe, you need a conjunction.

I would suggest you show us how he is a great man, instead of saying that he is "great with the kids." Sometimes, it's more important to show what the characters do as opposed to tell the readers what the characters have done.

Try to vary your vocabulary. In the next page, you use the word, sit, a lot. I know you are trying to describe the scene, but you can use other ways of telling us where the people are sitting. 

You hit enter when you weren’t supposed to do so.

No run-on sentences. They are not pretty.

No need to italicize to emphasize certain words. 

The plot seems to be fine. I think you can add more depth to your characters by including more actions as opposed to just saying, “He is so considerate.” That was actually rather redundant since he already shows that he is thoughtful from what he has said.

Again, I can’t expand my comments given the number of pages and chapters. 

I hope I was still helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11) 


This link will help you: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing
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