I always skim through the first page, and here are my initial observations. You need to learn how to punctuate your dialogues properly. For the dialogue tags, I would suggest varying your vocabulary. It would be more interesting to see the character's actions as opposed to seeing something like, "she said" or "he asked".

I think you can try to describe the settings in more detail. Sometimes, I feel that you're in a hurry to get to the next scene. I know you're excited about writing, but do remember to slow down and add more to your writing. Here, I'll give you an example. "I studied each guy. They were so handsome." After "I studied each guy", you could have included the characters' physical descriptions and that would have been perfect!

Don't add a space after a quotation mark. It's not supposed to be like this: " He . . ." It's like this "He . . ."

There are some redundant phrases, like you said that "[you were] following a daily routine." Then, you repeat this by saying, "[that] was kinda like my daily routine."

"Pretty good"? No, it's "pretty well". I had to point that out.

I feel that some chapters could have been incorporated into others. The flow of the story isn't as natural as it could be. I also feel that you are relying too much on dialogue. Try to take the time to describe the characters' feelings and the settings. Sometimes, think if it's necessary to have the characters speak. I find that we focus more on people's actions rather than on their words.

It is rather confusing to switch POVs so often. If you're thinking of having multiple POVs then make sure each character has a distinctive tone. Also, I generally don't suggest people to put "__'s POV". It seems odd and readers should be able to figure out who is speaking based on the different writing styles.

As for plot, I have to say that it's reminded me of an overused manga plot, where the girl is subjected to bullying because her classmates don't like how she's so close to a certain boy. I'm not saying that you can't use that plot, but when you do employ something that is used often, make sure that you add a little twist or do something else to make your story stand out more. I know you tried to describe the protagonist's pain after being threatened by the antagonists, but I feel that you could have taken that chance to go deeper with the protagonist. Did her pain remind her of something in the past? How did she show that she was trying to be tough? That scene could have evoked more emotion from readers, and I felt that it lacked that ability to make use sympathize with her.

I hope these comments were helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/952627
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