Here comes the technical stuff.

I see run-on sentences and fragments and behold, I am confused. I suggest that you read your sentences aloud and you will notice their errors. The whole second paragraph made me skim because of how your sentences were structured. After reading your third paragraph, I have realized that these two errors have become a trend. Please change this trend. (I would have given examples, but . . . there were just so many.)

No single quotation marks unless they are quotations within quotations. 

Make sure your tenses are not mixed up. Stick with one tense. 

Good work with your dialogue though. So far, I don’t see any errors. Okay, I take that back. I see one error and now another. Take a look at the last two quotations. 

“That’s OK,” Mr. Gerding said, “Thanks for contributing, Myles.”  <- I would have preferred a period after “said” because it was not a disjointed sentence.

“You’re welcome” The boy she thought to be Myles responded. <- Because he didn’t take an action, you don’t capitalize the “the”, and you are also missing a comma after “welcome”.

Now, there are more problems with your dialogue. Be careful of the punctuation. Commas go inside the quotation marks, not outside.

Redundancy. Be careful of your word choice. I’m noticing that you quite like to use slang, and your vocabulary should be more varied. Look at the first sentence of page two.

“After her Biology class and English right after .  .  .” <- You just said after and now there is a right after?
The flow of your paragraphs could be improved. Sometimes, I feel that you’re lacking transitions. (This is something that I have to work on too.) 

Please develop your characters more. There’s something lacking about Cathy that I have to admit that I am somewhat bored by her. Okay, I know she is rich. So what? I know she is smart. You’ve repeated that notion several times. I give you credit for showing that she is intelligent though. I know you did try to add some more description to Cathy through the use of other characters, but I think that dialogue could have been better. There wasn’t that anger that I was looking for in Leslie nor did the other girls seemed to have their own voices. (I read every dialogue in my head, so that is what I mean by having their own voices. I can’t hear those voices.)

I have to confess that there is something lacking in the plot. Sure, these are introductory chapters, but I’m not entirely hooked. Perhaps, it’s also because your characters do not seem to come to live. That’s part of why I’m not convinced. 

To sum everything, I will say that you do have grammatical errors, which did impede me. However, I see that the main issues are character development and plot. I don’t need to be a fan of Cathy, but make her interesting. Like I said to another writer, make your character someone special. I’m sorry, but for a character to be rich and smart doesn’t say much. So, what are some other qualities that differentiate your protagonist from others? 

As for plot, I can kind of predict what will happen. Leslie will probably hate Cathy, but they will have to work together to solve their differences. Leslie might bully Cathy. Cathy might make things worse by being some girlfriend of some other guy that Leslie likes. Sure, you can overcome plot, but having persuasive characters. A lot of the novels I have read focus on characterization rather than plot. I have to add that it is much harder to write a book on characterization than on plot, so . . . do something about your plot as well.

I think there is potential in this story, and that your writing style is fine. I see some type of writing style, so that's a good sign. The story just needs to have a hook and be exciting. My heart should be pumping at an excessive rate since I'm so intrigued about whatever you have written.

I know you were looking for honesty, so I hope I was honest enough,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/311453-totally-fabulous
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