I don't think it's necessary to tell ask your readers to stay in your author's note and explain that it's a flashback. Like I said to another writer before, if you think it's boring, then fix it. Fix it so that others will stay. Don't sound desperate. (Follow rule 16.)

By the way, there is a function on wattpad that lets you put different copyrights, depending on which one you like, so instead of writing "copyright by ___", you could just use that and there will be some copyright print at the bottom of each page.

Please follow rule one: homonyms are homonyms. There is a difference between "its" and "it's".

You're mixing your tenses in your introductory paragraphs. Try to stick with one tense.

Add in appropriate commas for natural breaks. "Out of all the places they traveled they . . ." should have a comma after "traveled". It's the same situation with "[one] day while they were out for a walk they met . . ." Add a comma after "walk".

"That was me and Mom's thing" sounds really weird.

I think it might have been better if your protagonist experienced more flashbacks about her mom's death or her family's circumstance instead of having her tell us everything in a page. We would be more attached to Elyse's feelings. Your method of narration so far distances us from the character.

Learn when to capitalize Dad or Mom properly. If you're saying my dad, then leave it in lower case. If it's just Dad, then keep it in capitals.

It's not "loosing" when you lose someone. It's "losing".

Please . . . not another author's note asking people to stay to read. You can do better than that. Have some pride or confidence in your own work.

No, it's not "me being . . ." It's "my being".

Use a divider if you want to signal a passing of time. It would be like this.

-----

So, please don't add in so many spaces.

Okay, I don't mean to be cruel, but it was ironically amusing when you typed the wrong preposition and then Elyse says that something was off. Let's dissect this.

"Excuse me, are you on line?"

Then, you described what Elyse felt about this boy: "This person sounds funny. It doesn't sound funny in a ha ha way, but in a something's off way."

Now, that . . . was funny because something was off. His preposition was way off. It should have been "are you in line?" So, watch out when you're typing quickly. Always read your sentence again in your head and you'll know what is off.

Don't capitalize people's words even though they might be expressing some emotion.

Actually, I wouldn't say that Alex is spontaneous. Alex is flirty. That's what he is.

I'm not sure what your intentions were for Elyse's character. Right now, she seems like the stereotypical teenager. She seems rather superficial. Alex needs to be smoother as a flirty guy. His lines don't catch me off guard. They just make him sound desperate for any girl.

I actually think the plot could go a bit faster. There are scenes that don't show a ton; I feel like you could have added more to those scenes to make Elyse suspicious of Alex. Maybe, you didn't need that childhood flashback. You could inserted the flashback through a series of meetings with Alex. Her encounters with Alex makes her recall the details about her past. That would be more interesting.

I like how you are trying to provide character descriptions. However, they could be better. Sometimes, you don't need to add in the details about height. You can just pick one thing to highlight about a person and describe that in detail.

I hope these have helped,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/880931-mind-games-a-vampire-story

Refer to these rules: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing
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