I like your vast vocabulary, but . . . I see a run-on! “The English skyline is tinged pink with my hope, the grass is luminous with my joy.” Replace the comma with a period and you’re fine. 

I believe I’ve said this to two other authors before, but I’ll say it again. Between certain adjectives, you must have hyphens. “My eight year old heart . . .” should be “[my] eight-year-old heart”. See also “her caramel coloured cheeks”. It should be “her caramel-coloured cheeks”. (You know, I should release an entry about common errors. I’m beginning to realize that people have the same problems.)

For some reason, I feel that it’s odd for the prologue to be in present tense. It seems like a memory to me, so I think if you had used past tense, it would flow better. I do like fact that you take time to show how the girl feels through her actions.

Oh no, tense shifting. You’re interchanging between past and present tense in one paragraph and that, my friend, is messy. I think your story would benefit from using past tense in general. So stick with the past, and get rid of the present. 

It is rather confusing that you are switching from first person to third person. I tend to suggest people to people to choose between first person and third person. I know there are authors who purposely use both, but at our level, I wouldn’t attempt it for now.  

Watch out for slang. Sometimes, I feel that you’re beginning to rush and become lazy. You’re out of words, so you use common speech like “[the] girl’s grin got bigger . . . .” I repeat again, watch out for colloquialism and clichés. The description of Elena watching presumably Jared walking in the hotel was nice, except for this: “Elena couldn’t quite put her finger on.” No. Please do not write that. Her character could say it in some quotation, but do not write that. 

Ah, parallelism. The last sentence of chapter one is an issue about parallel structure. You used a verb with “ed” and then you used a gerund. Pick one or the other and stick with it.

You don’t have spelling errors, but I noticed one because you were probably typing too quickly. “Both boys smiled at her as the leaned . . .”

I think Elena would have been more professional and more formal when she was speaking to two clients. I don’t believe any of the receptionists at hotels has ever said, “I’ll just get the keys.” Get . . . No. 

By the way, are they staying at a very cheap hotel? I would have expected them to be wealthier. I’m not sure about hotels in Egypt, but a lot of hotels don’t use real keys anymore. They have keys that look like credit cards.

Instead of telling us how nervous she was, you should show us how anxious she was around them. Sure, her cheeks blushed, but what else? Did she drop the keys when their hands touched? Did she stutter? Did one of the boys have to remind her to do her work? 

No hyphenation between overreacting. It’s one beautiful word that does not need to be broken.

It seems a bit unlikely for Elena to be taking on so many jobs like being a maid, and a receptionist at the hotel. I don’ remember receptionists being maids as well . . . unless again, this hotel is really a motel.

Okay, I don’t think guys say “lily white legs”. I think it would just be, “They were probably blinded by your whiteness.” If he’s more vulgar, he could have said, “They were probably blinded by your fucking paleness.”

“Shut up talking to me, I’m ignoring you.” Major run-on. Fix please.

I think something is lacking about Jared and his brother, Matthew. I believe it’s Matthew. Jared should have been one of the main characters, but he’s fading in this story. His words aren’t strong enough. Elena’s character is also underdeveloped. She isn’t making me . . . go, “Wow, I need to read about her.” I don’ have to love her, but I need to be able to follow her story. 

I thought your writing style was interesting just by looking at the prologue. However, I think it started to lose its charm as the story progressed. I think you were tired from describing the situation or may be too eager to write the story. Whatever it may be, try to take things slowly and make sure that your story continues to entice the readers.

I can’t really comment on the plot so far since there were only three chapters, but I feel that I can already predict what is to happen. Elena is obviously beginning to fall for Jared, but she feels inferior to him. Jared is probably attracted to her because she has a sad past with her parents dying in a fire. Jared is the gentle type; thus, he will comfort her. She is scared of being comforted since she feels that she doesn’t deserve him and that she doesn’t want to lose him. You might throw in the brother to make a love triangle, but it doesn’t seem like it so far.
I have to say that it doesn’t matter whether or not your plot is simple or not. You can have a magnificent plot, but have a horrible writing style. You can have a mundane plot, but have an amazing voice. Of course, you can try to tackle both. That will be a challenge. 

I’m sure that if you fix some of the problems I have mentioned, then your story will become more popular.

I hope I was helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/909463-find-a-way
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