I shall begin with my initial observations and go from there.

Watch out for your tense shift. Stick with one tense. You like to switch from past to present and then back to past, etc. This makes your story harder to follow. (I have looked at your second chapter and this problem persists. Please fix it.)

Do space your ellipses properly. They are not bunched up periods. Instead, there should be a space between each part of the ellipses, like such . . . 

Speaking of ellipses, please revise the proper usage of them. I admit that they’re tricky, but there are always rules to follow for grammar. I believe there should not a set of ellipses after “There was a note [ . . .]”
If you’re referring to a brand name of a product, please capitalize the brand. The Vans in “I put on my vans” should have been capitalized.

There is no need to be redundant. What I mean by that is choose whether you want to show or tell to reveal some characteristic of a character. Let’s take a look at an example: “I scrunch the paper up and throw it in the corner. My Great Aunt has died and they don’t bother telling me! The best they can do is written words. They make me so angry. I HATE THEM ALL!”

Clearly, her scrunching the paper into a ball and tossing it aside already demonstrates her anger. There is no need to say “They make me so angry.” In fact, by saying that, it takes away from her anger. I hate them all? I think it’s obvious from what you have written before that your protagonist has issues with her parents.
I have to say that do not be lazy with your transitions. Transitions are difficult, but they are important in that they help your story flow. The last paragraph of the first page needed a transition.

Oh, be aware of run-on sentences. The first paragraph of chapter two is your run-on sentence. You just needed to add in “while” between “breath” and “receiving”.  Do not end your sentences with a preposition. Same sentence for this example.

You need a comma between two adjectives and hyphenate certain adjectives, like “oh so mysterious” to  “oh-so-mysterious“.

Your “hot guy” needs to be “hotter”. Yes, I don’t like to use the word, hot, but to accommodate people, I will use it. I see generic descriptions of his hair, which was repeated a couple of times, and of his eyes. What makes him so “hot”? Okay, I know there are emerald, green eyes, but . . . what makes them capture your attention so much? Yes, I’ve seen a ton of blonde hair in my life. So what makes that so special? You could perhaps use some similes or metaphors to convince the readers of his good looks. I realize that you have pictures of characters on the right, but do not rely on pictures to persuade your readers. Try to use your words.

Spelling! Do not confuse you’re and your. Like I said to another writer, homonyms are homonyms.

Again, with the repetition. Repetition can be useful, but in this case, I would say that it is taking away from your story. Instead of telling us how much their parents are different from before, just continue to show me how they’re annoying or disinterested in their children. Yes, Jeremy has drug and drinking issues. So, please just show how he abuses himself. The same applies with her being a loner. We know she’s a loner because you have mentioned it several times. The question is how. How is she a loner and what makes her a loner?
Frankly, I can’t imagine that she is falling for Tyler so quickly and easily. I would have expected her character to be incredibly stubborn, but she has proven to be quite weak. She falls for him mostly out of his looks. Okay, so he offers her warmth, but being a loner, would she even accept affection from a total stranger?

I think you were taking a shortcut for chapter six. I was at first intrigued by the idea that she was kidnapped. I thought maybe, the kidnappers would have wanted ransom. Then a whole adventure would continue where she would have Stockholm’s syndrome. Sadly, I was disappointed . . . to find that the issue was completely resolved in one chapter, where if I remember correctly she also regains her memory! I honestly felt that you were rushing here. Take your time to describe things like you did in chapter one.

Tyler being a childhood friend and her losing her memory and then remembering all of her past truly seemed unrealistic. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but I think if you had used clues to lead us to solve the mystery, the story would be more interesting. You’d have more to write about as well. 

So, time for my overall thoughts. I thought you started out well, and had established a writing style, but as the story went on, you seemed to have lost your patience and your diligence. I may be blunt; however, I must say that the plot needs to be fixed. I was not left convinced with this twist. Also, please develop your characters more. Annabelle is your protagonist so make her someone special. Right now, she seems like a typical, lost teenager.

I liked your dialogues even though sometimes, you’d be missing some commas here and there. I still felt that flow was overall fine, and that there was some humour.

That is all I believe needs to be said,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/850091-hidden-memories
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