I don't mean to be rude, but don't have grammatical errors in your author's note. That's like foreshadowing future mistakes.

Don't do POVS. (Follow rule eight.)

Don't spontaneously space out your paragraphs like that. You just need to hit enter once. Even if you want to signal a break in time, just use a divider or if you don't know how, just enter once and then do this:


------

You're shifting your tenses. (Refer to rule nine.)

Punctuate your dialogues properly. You need a comma after saying someone's name to signal a natural pause. (See rule six.)

Run-on sentences galore! "Demi opened her eyes again, she didn't even realise that she closed them." No, you do not use a comma to replace your period. (Look at rules two and four a.)

I'm not sure why you're shifting POVs. It may be your writing style, but I find it unnatural for now. I might change my mind later. We'll see.

You need to learn when to use commas. "Next thing I knew he was running towards her." It should be "[next] thing I knew, he was running towards her."  Also, "[as] I walked up the stairs" needs a comma after it.

I would like more description from your settings when you're trying to describe them. I like the fact that you're trying, but it would be nice if you didn't simply throw colours at me. I like to know how everything is, meaning what the atmosphere was like, how the lights dimmed, where the furniture was placed, etc. A kitchen placed in one house can be in a different location than another, so please write more than "it was white where the kitchen was."

Okay, follow rule one very well. Homonyms are homonyms. There is a big, and I stress, a large, difference between "your" and "you're".

It seems weird for Jake just to blurt that out to her. It actually seems comical now that I think of it. It is rather odd for someone to say: "You are also quite concussed." I think normally, when you're speaking, you just say, "You suffered from a concussion."

Basically, this is what I'm perceiving from your story. She learns that she's a vampire and seems very fine with it and now is sleepy? Is this how you would react if you were a vampire? Wouldn't she try to run away or try to refute him? Wouldn't she be scared about him? Why would she even follow a stranger so easily in the first place? I'm asking you all these questions because I don't like seeing damsels in distress and I am sensing one. I also don't like to see unreasonable behaviour from characters. (Look at rule 13.)

Try to work on your transitions as well. From the example above, you have jumped from so many situations that could have been developed further. (Look at rule 12.)

Ellipses are comprised of three dots or four in some cases.

All right. So, she suddenly falls in love with Jake in a few pages. Lust? Yes, must be lust. What else could it be? I don't know. Even if they did fall in love so quickly, you'd have to be able to convince me that they are in love. Demi shouldn't have fallen for someone with one kiss. I think she's a classic damsel in distress.

Overall, I would say that there are a lot of areas that you need to ameliorate. You need to fix your run-on sentences, punctuate your dialogues properly, add in appropriate commas, and space your story well.

As for plot, I think it's a bit weak. I know you're still at chapter two, but I don't feel that this vampire story stands out from all the other ones. I think if you're trying to tackle a popular genre, then you have to differentiate yourself much more than you would do so for other genres. Your characters are rather unconvincing. I think it's partly due to the way Demi makes her decisions and the way Jake teaches her how to be a vampire. If Jake is the type that has other plans for her, then he should be more calculating and serious. That's how I would portray Jake. He should also show more frustration if she is not the "one".

Like I said, work on your descriptions for settings and . . . what else? Ah yes, make your sentences flow better and add in the right transitions.

Hope these will help,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/910599-just-one-touch-demi's-story

(For the rules, look at this link: http://www.wattpad.com/920462-the-golden-rules-of-writing?p=1 )
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