Please stop shifting your tenses so often. It’s very confusing. (See Rule # 9)

Usually when you have single-digit whole numbers, you spell them out. So, for 6 years and 5 years, they would be six years and five years. 

Remember to put commas when needed. “If she had stayed a human” needs a comma after it. I would also suggest saying, “[if] she had stayed human”. It sounds more natural. (Do remember to add appropriate commas.)

No need to capitalize the word, dead. 

Don’t forget about subject-verb agreements. “Immortality and its advantages was . . .” It should be “[immortality] and its advantages were . . .” I would actually suggest just saying immortality was the only was the only way out for her.

I would start a new paragraph when you first mention the character, Lysander.

You’ve used despite popular belief before, so try to use something else. 

I think you might be providing too much background information in the first chapter. I mean that you’re telling too much about the characters. I think it’s better to show than to tell in this case. If you want to add more suspense or thrill to your story, then I suggest that you leave some clues, instead of giving your readers the full picture of Lilly’s beginnings.

Careful of run-ons. “It would be so much easier for David . . .” That sentence is clearly a run-on. Fix it. There are also other run-on sentences in your story. Please look for them and correct them.

There’s an awkward phrasing with “[how] she had convinced Lilly to come back here was beyond her.”
Be very wary of using pronouns. It’s hard to know if you’re referring to Lilly or Gwendolyn at times. The sentence that comes after “[how] she had convinced Lilly to come back . . .” makes me confused if you’re referring to Lilly or Gwendolyn. Again, this trend continues on page two of part two to your story. When you said that “[she] knew that for some reason, the female vampire was keeping him outside and that he hadn’t come in because she . . .”, I had to reread the sentence to understand whether or not you were referring to the female vampire or Lilly. Also, I would recommend that you don’t say “for some reason” for this sentence because you know the reasons that the female vampire kept him outside. You explained them within that sentence.

Don’t use cliché phrases like “couldn’t put her finger on it”.

I don’t understand why there are dashes to substitute your quotation marks. (Refer to rule 6.)

I don’t like starting sentences with “and” or “but”, but that is arguable.

Vampiric, at least from my knowledge, is not a word. I checked online too. 

Every day is two words unless it is used as an adjective. There are also two words for “every time.” You have a typo. It’s not “afterall”. It’s after all.  

Remember to separate your paragraphs and add in transitions that will make your paragraphs flow well.
Is Lilly having a flashback? I honestly can’t tell because your tense keeps changing. 

I think the dialogue between Gwendolyn and Ivan is rather weak. Perhaps, you could have described Gwendolyn’s actions and feelings.  

You forgot an apostrophe for Alistair’s. 

It seems weird to suddenly include Alistair’s physical description.  Does she ssee something that triggered her to recount his appearance? 

Why the sudden indentations? I know that you are supposed to indent the start of every paragraph, but wattpad makes indentation difficult. Do not start playing with indentations if you hadn’t done so in the beginning. 

I don’t think Alistair’s language matches his physical description. He seems to be well-educated from the way he dresses. However, his dialogue mainly shows that he switches between formal and informal language. This bizarre change is a disservice to your story. I think he would have used “foolish” instead of “stupid” and he would not have said “a long shot”. 

Here’s what I have to say overall. 

I think your plot is progressing fine. There is action, and some conflict. As for characters, they have their traits, but I think your characters could still be stronger. You just have to show more than you tell. I’m feeling that you’re repeating facts that the readers already know. If you want to stress that Gwendolyn is hiding something, then show that. Don’t tell us. It’s not as effective when you tell us that she’s hiding something and explain it. It would be more effective for us to know about her lies through dialogue or her actions.

I also feel that you should try to widen your vocabulary. Your sentences would be more appealing. When you write that you’re “getting rid of something”, it doesn’t sound as nice as eradicating or eliminating something. “Rubbed people off the wrong way” . . . There are better ways to craft that sentence.

I like that you are trying to develop your characters by providing a lot of information about their past, but again, I need to stress that sometimes it is better to say less than to say more. I’d like to know Gwendolyn slowly. You could consider adding facts here and there through the use of dialogue, like over a dinner conversation. See, chapter 5 was effective because we’re learning information from other people’s words instead of absorbing facts from a long narration.

If you’re trying to have flashbacks, make sure you use the appropriate tense. I know I’ve commented a lot about your use of tenses, but make sure you use the right one.

I hope I have been helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/795339-forsaken-vampires-will-never-hurt-you

For the rules, refer to this link: http://www.wattpad.com/920462-the-golden-rules-of-writing 
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