I see someone not obeying rule 1: homonyms are homonyms. I'll take it as a typo for now. You put "it's" instead of "its". Okay, I take that back. Maybe, You have a problem with that rule. I believe you mean "veins" not "vanes". I also think you mean "their" not "they're". There is a difference between "then" and "than".

Punctuate your dialogues and sentences correctly. You need commas to act as natural pauses. "We're not going to end up in debt Joan! I know what I'm doing! For crying out loud will you trust me for once!" should be "[we're] not going to end up in debt, Joan! [...] For crying out loud, will you trust me for once?" Yes, it's a question mark, not an exclamation mark. You need a comma after "[tightening] my jaws . . ."

Action words do not replace dialogue tags. (Refer to rule 6.)

"Tears are thick in the back of my throat . . ." sounds awkward. I don't think you mean a ball of saliva.

You need a transition between your "pain" paragraph and "music" paragraph. It's too much of a leap for me.

I like that you are trying to provide a lot of description, but remember what physical traits you've already told us. I know she has auburn hair. I don't need to see that phrase again.

"Omigod" is text language for me. Just say, "Oh my god".

Subject-verb agreement. "The golden glow of the street lights fade and are . . ." You're still speaking about the golden glow, which is singular, so you use "is".

You need to widen your vocabulary or try to figure out another way of describing things. I do like that you have provided a lot of details, which I have said already, but I keep seeing a few of the same words, especially "vanes", which of course, you mean "veins".

As for plot, it's . . . haha, sadistic. It's fine. It's something fresh, and it's like I'm watching Law & Order SVU. I like that you give different perspectives about her kidnapping. It does feel like she is lost in this world.

Characters . . . I think it would be better to say that it's more like the emotions conveyed by characters that matter in this story and it's more about the victim's stiuation.

I hope I was helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)


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