I'm going to start with grammar since that is what I always notice first. (Most of my examples were taken from your prologue, but they apply to other chapters of your story as well.)

Be very careful of your dialogue. You tend to capitalize pronouns where they are not supposed to be capitalized. I will provide an example.

"Move! Move! Move!" He called as he emerged from behind . . . The "He" should not have been capitalized. You only capitalize names.

If you are ending your quotation with a period, then do not use a period, instead, use a comma. Let me show you what I mean. 

At the end of the first page of chapter one, Ken says, “Keep moving.” You placed it as such: “Keep moving.” He said. Please replace the period after “moving” with a comma. Again, do not capitalize the “He”.


*There is an exception to this rule, which is when you are using an action to identify the speaker. When that is the case, the sentence stands for itself.

Example: He skipped too many times. “I am happy!”
 
(I recently discovered this rule, so I will have to fix my own work too.)

Moreover, remember that when different people are speaking, you must start a new paragraph. Please fix the end of page one. Remember too that when it is the same person speaking, you do not start a new paragraph.
Please recall to add commas when needed; for example, after "Before he could react".

Be careful of silly mistakes like spelling. Be VERY careful. Homonyms are homonyms.  Now, I have to note that you have to be aware of your run-on sentences. 

I like the descriptions that you give for your characters; for example, taking the time to note their actions and expressions. I would suggest varying your choice of words. I’m noticing a lot of repeated words and I am not saying that you should now go look for tons of synonyms to replace your words, but perhaps, do look up a few words sometimes. Never be lazy and forget to check the definition of your synonyms. Synonyms may give similar meanings, but they might not give exact meanings of what you want to say.

On the topic of laziness, do not resort to slang for your descriptions. When I suddenly saw, “She was pulling out the big guns”, I felt that didn’t match the style that you had used before.

I also liked how your stories were serious and had messages about war. You did well in terms of giving different perspectives so people consider other aspects of life. You make us question our behaviour and understand what causes people to change.

Overall, I think what needs the most work is your grammar. I enjoyed reading the stories. They were fresh ideas, and certainly were profound. However, the grammatical errors were taking away from your story. Fix the grammar, and surely, your writing will improve.


Good luck,

Jubie (cubierock11)
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