Chapter 18.1: Bad Girl

To my surprise and dismay, my mother squeals like an excessive fan girl and screams, "Oh my Goodness! There's a man in my daughter's life!" She turns at me and smiles wholeheartedly. "Congratulations, honey! I now know for sure that you're not a lesbian! Not that that's a bad thing. I mean, if you were, I would definitely support your decision, but it's just a--"

"Mom!" I holler to stop her from embarrassing me even more.

"What, darling?" My mother cocks her head, wondering.

"He's gay," I make this complete lie.

Unfortunately, Sehun is too honest in this sense to even play along. Instead, he refutes, "I'm not gay. I've been straight all my life, and I plan to keep being that way."

My mother chuckles excessively, elbowing me in the process. "She's just shy, isn't she?" she cackles.

"We're just friends, Mom," I stress. I give Sehun a glare, but he doesn't seem to understand me. I realize that he's still half-naked, so I order, "And get changed, Sehun!" 

"Oh right," Sehun answers before scurrying to the couch to fetch for his jeans and t-shirt. All his other stuff is still in the cardboard boxes because I refuse to let him open them. I'm trying to get him to move as soon as possible, but now, I think that's going to be very, very hard.

My mother now whispers in my ears, "He's pretty good looking. You snatched a good one. He even has abs! Ah!"

I can't believe my mother is even more of a desperate, hormone filled woman than I am. She has my dad already. Jeez. I just roll my eyes, but as soon as I see Sehun changing in front of us at the living room, I holler, "Don't change here! Go inside!"

"Oh, I don't mind," my mother teases.

Sehun's face immediately glows to redness as he sprints with his clothes in his hands into my room. He's usually unafraid of being humiliated; he's usually the outrageous one in the group. He'd accept almost any dare just for the fun of it. He'd laugh anything off casually. Now, he is like a little boy in front of a group of aunties. He's particularly meek and quiet. Very, very different from the usual Sehun I knew.

"Mom," I inform her, "be nice."

"Of course I'll be nice to your boyfriend," she snickers. "I quite like him already. Say, what does he do?"

"He's a famous choreographer for this well-known entertainment company."

"Ah! Does he get to see all the Kpop stars?" Once I nod, my mother immediately grabs my hands and shakes them up and down. "Ah! Ah! Ah! I want autographs! I want pictures! I want interviews!"

I forget to mention that my mother is like a teenage girl. She follows all the news about her favourite boy bands. She isn't exactly loyal to one group either. She keeps switching favourites. For a month, she was a crazy MBLAQ fan. Then, the next month, she became crazy about JYJ and DBSK. Afterwards, she got into Lee Seung Gi. Now, I think she is in love with Infinite. As for girl bands, she hates them. I swear she is jealous of their beauty and youth. My mom always likes to say if she were twenty years younger, she'd probably be a celebrity and win all the guys' hearts. Sadly, she said that my father wooed her heart away.

"I can get you autographs if you'd like," Sehun appears unexpectedly with clothes on and proclaims. 

"Really?" My mom's eyes almost leap out. "You'd do that for me?"

"It's not a big deal," Sehun responds.

"Marry him, darling!" My mom delightfully chimes. "Marry him! I approve, and I want your kids to be super stars!"

Sometimes, I think my mother is more like a sister than a parent. I'm about to go off to a corner, hide there, and then sigh my Richard Simmons off, but Sehun seems to be as giddy as my own mom. "Sure." Sehun plays along happily. "It'd be fun marrying someone like Leia. She's a comedy show herself."

"Sehun!" I bark at him. "This is not the time to joke." Pulling his shirt down, I whisper in his ear, "If you want to live here, then stop fooling around and tell her the truth."

"What?" Sehun snaps at me. "You want her to tell me that by Christmas, you're going to get your cherry popped by Han Suho?"

"Okay. Not that," I grumble, frowning in the process. "Just tell her that you're just a friend."

Sehun sticks his tongue out and winks. "No," he cackles in a hushed tone. "This is way funnier. Can't wait to tell the guys about this. Totally laugh out loud material. Pretty much the joke of the--"

"Sehun!" I cut him off while letting go of his shirt. 

"What?" He folds his arms, wondering. 

"What is it honey?" My mom also asks. 

I don't know what to do right now, especially with my head exploding. I want to go back to sleep so badly. This hangover needs to disappear now, and I mean it. If it doesn't, then I'm going to . . . scream. Yup. That's what I do. I'm like a stupid, little four-year-old girl who is desperate for attention. "Ah!" I shriek until my mother covers her own ears.

"Sorry," my mother apologizes to Sehun. "My daughter is a little bit . . ." Her finger swirls around. "Cuckoo."

"And whose fault is it?" I holler at my own mother. Yeah, I'm being disrespectful, and I'll apologize soon. It's just right now my head is throbbing, and I can't take more drama. Someone push me down a set of stairs or someone hand me some sleeping pills.

"What?" My mother raises an eyebrow. "I'm just happy that you're straight and will give me grandchildren."

"Oh my God!" I bellow while lifting my arms in the air like a little monkey.

Sehun, who is somehow exceptionally smart right now, tells my mother, "Mrs. Nam, I think Leia and I need some time alone to talk some things over. Maybe, it'd be better if you come over some other time? I'm so sorry."

"Oh," my mother hits Sehun's arm playfully and says, "That's nothing. Of course, I'll leave you two love birds be. Chirp. Chirp. Hee. Hee."

For once, Sehun is thinking clearly for he sends my mother away. Once the door closes, I shout at him, "Wh-wh-wh-what were you thinking? Saying that what? You wouldn't mind marrying me? Are you crazy?"

Giving me a sly grin, Sehun chuckles. "No. I honestly wouldn't mind marrying you," he explains. "You'd make a good wife and mother."

"But we don't even like each other like that!" I argue.

"Maybe not now, but who knows in the future?" Sehun nonchalantly tells me. He walks to my fridge, opens it and grabs a bottle of water. "Honestly," he stares at me and states, "I don't think marriage is all about love anyways. I think it's more like being able to work together and play a part well."


Taking a sip of water, he adds, "Meaning that you'd give and take. You try to understand each other and cooperate and make compromises. You and Yeonjun . . . right now . . . have too much pride. Neither of you are willing to give a little."

"But it's unfair!" I complain. "I'm always trying to understand him."

"You shouldn't think love as something that's fair or unfair. Who cares if you love him more or if he loves you more? If you're willing to play your part, and he's willing to play his, then everything is fine," Sehun clarifies.

"But I know . . . he won't change," I inform him.

Sehun twists the cap to the bottle before asking me, "Then are you willing to change for him?" 

My immediate reaction is no. Why should I change when it's clear that Yeonjun is so selfish? I think it through more, and still, my answer is no. I'm not happy changing for him. I've been letting him have his way for too long. He needs to realize that I'm not some toy or a jester. I have my own thoughts and feelings too. However, I still don't want to lose him. If I don't want him out of my life, then I'd need to give more. I can't stand that anymore.

Suddenly interrupting my thoughts, Sehun remarks, "If you're not willing to change for him, then you shouldn't marry him. If you two can't even sort out your problems now, then, again, you shouldn't marry him in the end." There is a long pause shared between us, and as Sehun finally puts away the bottle of water into the fridge, he notes, "Maybe you two are better off as friends or at most, lovers."

Sehun is about to head to the washroom to fix up better when I blurt: "So . . . he'd just be a fling then?"

Shifting his head towards me, Sehun responds in a deep, serious tone, "No. He'd just be the one you truly love." He takes a breath prior to explaining, "Leia, there are two different lovers in this world: one that you truly love and one that truly loves you. But you can only choose one or . . . neither."

"And if I choose neither of the options?" I question.

"I don't know, Leia." Sehun grins sweetly and softly. "That's up to you to figure out."

Up to me to figure out?

I think about all that Sehun has told me. Do I pick someone that I love more or do I pick the one that loves me more? Is marriage really based on love? And what about Sehun blabbing about how he wouldn't mind marrying me? Was he honestly serious about that or was it just one of his jokes? I'm starting to worry about friendships between a guy and a girl. Can a guy and girl actually be friends without any of them having feelings for each other? Maybe, I'm thinking too much, but somehow, I'm starting to feel that Sehun's move in isn't as simple as it seems. He manages to pick a time where Yeonjun and I are fighting, but I really don't think Sehun is the type to plan these things. He is just a loyal, caring, honest friend.

Then why did he never deny being in a relationship in front of my mother? Why did he want her to misinterpret us?

Even when Sehun has closed the door to the washroom, I bang my fist against the door over and over again, calling, "Sehun! Sehun! Sehun!" When he doesn't reply, I try the knob and twist it open. 


He has his pants and boxers down to his ankles. I see that particular area that is usually greyed out or blurred out on TV. Then, I dash out and scream, only to trip and fall on my knees. "Leia!" Sehun proclaims. "Are you okay?" I hear him staggering as he hastily flushes the toilet, does whatever he needs to do with toilet paper and pulls up his pants. Then, he walks in front of me and offers his hand to me. "You all right?" he repeats.

"I'm--" I cut myself off as soon as I remember that he probably hasn't washed his hands. I glance up at him, wondering, "Have you washed your hands yet?"

"Umm . . ."

"Oh God!" I yelp. "Go!" I point to the sink. "Go wash your hands now!" 

I hear the tap running and then, it's as if a director is asking us to replay this scene once more as Sehun comes back and asks the same question: "You okay?"

This time, I burst out laughing. This is so . . . stupid yet funny at the same time. Usually, I'm the one embarrassing myself. For once, someone is taking on the other role. It's a nice change. It's rather refreshing, and so I take Sehun's hand and pull myself up now. "I'm fine," I answer confidently. "In fact, I can't be even better than this, and I get what you mean now."

"As in?" Sehun confirms.

"Cooperating and how you have to play each other's roles," I reply.

"And therefore?"

"So I think I have a . . . wild suggestion."

"Which is?"

It'll take a while to explain what I have in plan. It's not really ethical or moral. It's really modern, but I'm sure Sehun will understand. Nevertheless, I think my plan is worth implementing. Who says love has to be so closed off? Who says love has to be traditional? 

I'm sick of being a good girl.

It's time to be a bad, sexy b.itch.
Sehun's reaction isn't a surprise even when his jaw is blatantly open, his nose is scrunched up and his shoulders are tensed up. To be honest, I think he looks like a constipated monkey at a dentist's office. I don't tell him that, however, because I want to see what he thinks about my suggestion.

"You're . . . crazy," Sehun finally utters. "You're . . . absolutely crazy."


"But . . . I suppose . . ."

"That it could work?" My eyes brighten, and I feel a smile plastered on my face.

"Ugh . . ." Sehun sits upright on the couch and gawks at me.

"You'd participate right?" I wonder with much awe. "I mean, like I told you, I read an article in a magazine recently that it's very important to find a partner that is sexually compatible with you, so isn't it reasonable for me to experiment?"

"But . . . it doesn't mean that you'd ask me to sleep with you out of the blue and then go try out two other guys on multiple runs?" Sehun argues. "No one ever does that. Plus, who's going to be the first one to pop your cherry?"

Unpopped cherries mean pain, so judging by Suho's experience, he should be good. However, he might like violent, rough sex, so that might not be pain free. As for Yeonjun, I'd have to first apologize and then ask for makeup sex. That's extremely weird, and somehow, I can't imagine him on top of me. I'd blush way too much. Finally, there's Sehun. He's a dancer, so he should be flexible. He's also a gentle, nice guy, meaning that he would care about my feelings. Maybe, it's safer to start with him.

"You wouldn't hurt me right?" I ask.

"Something . . . is going to penetrate you," Sehun notifies me. "So, of course, it will hurt, and  . . . why are we even talking about this?"

"Sex and love are linked!" I chirp and jump up in my seat. I have been sitting across from him the whole time, but it feels more like I'm interrogating him at a police station. "So if I don't experience sex, then I wouldn't know what love is either!"

"Argh!" Sehun scratches the back of his head in a fury. "This isn't how things are supposed to go!"

"Then . . . what do people normally do?"

Sehun clears his throat to explain, "There has to be love first and then the right mood, feeling and setting."

"Wow, you're more of a girl than me," I mutter. "I thought guys could do it anywhere and whenever."

"Well . . ." I hear Sehun's voice draining and I see his face flustering. In fact, he's refusing to make eye contact with me. "You . . . still have to turn me on," he murmurs rather quietly.

"And how do you turn a guy on?" I blurt without even contemplating.

"C-c-c-c-can we not go there?" Sehun stammers, hugging himself uneasily. "Can't you just read stuff online?"

"But I want to know!" I scream like an annoying kid begging for candy. "I want to hear it from a real man and not read it off of some web page hosted by some horny female!"

Again, Sehun glances away to tell me, "Do you realize . . . how awkward this is right now?"

"No," I utter immediately. "It'd just be sex."

"If we sleep together, then . . . then . . . I might actually fall for you completely!" Sehun bellows, reminding me of a can of soda overfilling with bubbles.

Fall for me completely? That phrase sinks into my head deeper and deep until it hits me wholly. "Oh my God," I announce to a very embarrassed and uneasy Sehun. "Since . . .when . . . did you . . ."

"I'm not sure," he confesses.

"But I don't . . . even . . . know what I'm feeling right now, and so I thought, maybe, if I . . . you know . . . it'd make things clearer."

"Clearer for you," he corrects, "but harder for me."

"I'm sorry," I respond. "I didn't think it'd be possible that you'd ever--"

"It's fine. It's my own problem," Sehun coldly claims. "I'll get over it in time."

Sehun now stands up, preparing to leave, but I stop him midway by asking, "Is that why . . .you keep trying to pair me with Yeonjun or even with Suho?"

Sehun doesn't answer me. Instead, he slowly walks away to the front door, muttering, "I'll move out by the end of the week."

There aren't a lot of words to describe how I'm feeling. I feel awful and dreadful at the same time. I never realized how much Sehun was suffering. Was that why he was always so cheerful and enthusiastic in front of me? If he pretended to be hyperactive, then I'd never suspect him. I'd always be his friend and be by his side. Suddenly, I feel as if this is the case with Yeonjun and me. I don't want him to suspect anything, so I keep playing the role of a supportive friend, and when I couldn't hide my feelings anymore, I wanted an answer from him. Either be together or just ignore each other.

Perhaps, I'm stepping the line with Sehun. He doesn't want to be on those terms with me, so he continues to act as a good friend. I'm the one making the situation tough for him. I'm the one that is going to break our ties sooner or later.

I wanted to be a bad girl, and I did successfully become one. However, I never thought about the consequences of being one. You have to be selfish, and you can't care about other people's feelings. You only do things that will only make you better off.

Isn't that like Yeonjun then?

Why am I becoming like someone that I don't want to be? Are we really similar or have I been spending too much time with him that I'm catching onto some of his bad habits?

I keep thinking that it's time to take a break from Yeonjun, and all the signs seem to point in that direction. Thus, I give Suho a call and schedule a time for us to meet. There's much to say and discuss because I think I know what I have to do now.