Chapter 20: You can't have everything

The doctor just gave me a pill. That's supposed to cure my allergic reaction. I wish a pill could solve everything, all my relationship issues and all that jazz. Right now, my head is a mess. I know I shouldn't be worrying about Yeonjun or Sehun, but somehow, I just want everyone to be happy. But . . .what about myself? Am I happy this way?

After the doctor's visit, Suho decides to buy a quick dinner for the two of us before going on a drive. I let him decide what to order and where to eat. He orders some Vietnamese French bread, stuff that we can eat with our hands in the car. Then, we just munch and cruise along the road. I don't ask him where he is taking me. I'm sure it's somewhere interesting, and so I close my eyes and take a quick nap.

I wake up in a jolt and almost twist my neck in the process. Yes, I have already screamed, and it's because I felt a poke on my shoulder. Actually, two to three pokes. And when I saw Suho's face only an inch away, I tried to back away only to feel my back crack and my neck . . . Suho, luckily, shouts for me not to move, and slowly, I adjust myself back. Now, I realize that I have dried up drool beside my mouth. Great. 

Quickly, I rub it away, while Suho chuckles lightly. Yup. He did see my awful drool. Great. A girl in a sexy, black dress has gone to the hospital because of allergies and has flaky bits beside her mouth after sleeping. Sleeping . . . did I snore? Did I hit him? I mean, I think I have a tendency of moving around a lot when I sleep. Sometimes, I fall off my bed or I get random bruises and cuts. Other times, I wake up because I choke on my own snort. Gross, I know, but my nose isn't very good. It's usually half plugged. This I'm not breathing enough air, causing me to yawn rudely . . . which is exactly what I am doing now.

"Sorry, I'm still . . . groggy," I try to explain.

"No, it's fine. It's my fault for waking you up too," Suho replies.

I look ahead and see waves crashing onto the sand. Okay, we're at a beach. I'm not very sure why. I mean, is this supposed to be romantic? It's kind of cloudy. I'm kind of worried that it'll rain, and I'm pretty sure we don't have an umbrella. I'm also wearing stilettos, which aren't the best things to walk in on the sand. Perhaps, I should take them off now.

Oh crap.

I feel one of my feet being jammed into it. Great. I think my sweat is sticking to the bottom of the shoe. I tug a bit harder and then bang. I hit my head onto some part of the car, but that's not the worst part. The shoe flings up and lands onto the back of the car. 

"Aha . . ." I place my hand over my head and laugh nervously.

Suho bites onto his bottom lip, trying his best to resist laughing. "I-i-it's okay," he stammers. "I was thinking we'd take a walk on the beach anyways. Glad you read my mind."


Suho gets out of his car and walks towards my side. Before he can help me out, I'm already scrambling to get out. Okay. The door is locked, so which one of those buttons will make this door become unlocked? As I'm clicking away, I hear the sound of the door opening. "Ladies first," he utters.


Once Suho closes the door, he walks rather quickly ahead of me. I'm close to jogging to catch up to him when he abruptly turns around, extending his hand backwards to me. 

"Hand," Suho mutters to me.. I hesitate a bit, and so Suho walks back to me and then takes me by the hand to say, "That's better, isn't it?"

I feel the warmth of his hand meld with mine. His hand is rougher than I imagined. They're definitely not as soft as Yeonjun's feminine one.

"I . . . guess," I mumble.

We carry on walking towards the waves. The wind is blowing in my face with my hair almost choking me. I keep having to spit out hair and then breathe for air. Honestly, beach walks aren't exactly romantic, but I think it's still nice that we're just walking side by side. I know Suho is matching my slow pace, carrying me forward. We just continue like this until he unexpectedly stops. In a steady tone, he notes, "Maybe . . . maybe you're not used to someone being by your side and holding your hand like this, but I'll make sure that this . . . will be a habit."

A habit . . .

Is that what love is like? You get used to someone and then it gets all weird if that person disappears. It took me years to be used to of Yeonjun's practically everyday presence. How long would it take for me to get used to Suho's?

Our whole night ends with Suho sending me back home and giving me a hug in the end. He knows I'm not ready for anything more, and I agree too that I need to take this relationship slowly. It's my first one anyways. I should get a proper kiss like the ones in movies and dramas. I should also get a flawless, cute date, but no, I always have to screw up somehow. I'm really a mess. I really am.

My feet is a sandy disaster too, so I don't even bother wearing my heels to get up my apartment. I'm walking with bare feet like some crazy old woman who owns too many animals for her own good. Whatever. I can deal with people thinking that I'm weird. I'm pretty weird already, and it's only a few minutes till I reach the door.

The elevator doors now open, and I make my way down the hall to my apartment. I see light shining from beneath the front door, meaning that Sehun is probably still awake. I hope he isn't waiting up for me. I already feel guilty for making our friendship so awkward. I really wouldn't want him to . . .

"What . . . are you doing?" I drop my stilettos onto the floor and frown at him. Sehun is on the ground cutting some tape with a pair of scissors. The cardboard boxes are now stacked neatly and are being sealed once more. There are new sheets of paper replacing the old addresses stuck on the boxes. I know what he's doing, but somehow, I still want to hear it from him.

"I said I was moving out by the end of the week," Sehun continues to snip his tape while replying. 

That guilt sinks into my chest. Look what I've done. I've made a fool out of the two of us. I'm getting rid of one of my best friends when I've already dumped one, and this is all because I chose Suho. "Where are you moving to then?" I walk towards him and sit cross legged on my bottom.

Avoiding eye contact with me, he sticks another sign onto a box. "Going to a hotel for now until I find an actual place to--"

"Look," I utter. "You really don't have to leave like that. You can stay until you find--"

"You're really sneaky and selfish, you know?" Sehun lifts his head up and stops what he's doing to painfully glare at me. "You want everything by your side, but you won't choose," he dictates. "That's not fair."

Then, I hear the sound of tape being ripped off, and I see him paste it onto another box. Afterwards, he starts to write with a sharpie pen on a sheet of a paper. It's the address to some hotel, and at this point, I realize that he really is leaving. He's not joking, meaning that what he just said to me isn't a lie. I really am sneaky and selfish.

"I'm sorry," I spill out. "I really am."

Sehun ignores me, seemingly concentrating on his work. The sounds of ripping, cutting, scribbling, gluing all happen rhythmically while he remains silent. I see his weak expression; he's trying to hide his feelings to pretend that everything is okay. He is even forcing himself to smile, but in the end, his eyes water, and down comes a droplet.

My heart really stings, and I don't want him to feel upset. I lean forward and throw my arms around him to give him a warm hug. I feel my own tears seeping down my cheeks. The two of us are sniffling and gasping from time to time. I'm not sure what he's thinking, and I'm not very sure what to think for myself. I just know that we're both hurt, and I wished that it didn't have to be this way.

"I'm sorry," I whisper in his ear. "I'm really--"

Sehun pulls back from me and flashes a grim grin. Then, he gives me a kiss on my forehead. His lips are cracked yet soft at the same time. He really is a gentle soul. "But . . ." he mutters. "I'll let you have your way." 

"Why?" I look up at him and wonder.

"Because I want you to be happy, and if you were out of my life completely, I wouldn't be happy either. I guess . . ." I feel his arms wrap around me once more, but this time, his force is tighter as he takes a breath. "Aha . . . I'm a bit sneaky and selfish too."

My tears roll further down my cheeks. I feel like a pathetic waterfall on Discovery Channel, but luckily, Sehun's t-shirt is soaking up my tears like a sponge. I know I don't even deserve the chance to feel sad. Sehun is the one that deserves to cry. I . . . really . . . am not a good friend. I'm just selfish. He's right. I want everything by my side, but I won't choose. I know I've said that I've let Yeonjun go, but in my heart, if he could stay, I would let him stay. I don't want to push away Suho or Sehun as well. It's like what everyone says. You can't please everybody, and the more I want to make everyone happy, I'm making everyone worse off. 

Being cruel is sometimes being nice, while being nice can actually be cruel. 

Maybe . . . it's time to be cruel.