TFDL: Prelude Thoughts

I just realized that I never wrote a chapter dedicated to the end of TFDL: Prelude. I never really shared my thoughts and feelings after finishing the first book.

I think I had already started the document for book two, so there didn't seem to be a pause in writing. This piece originally was going to be a work that I kept to myself. I wasn't brave enough to share it online until a friend had encouraged me to do so. Funnily, TFDL: Prelude was the first story that I had released, but it wasn't the first that I had written. I actually had a romance-tragedy before this work. I just put that piece on hold for now.

I would love to write character analyses, but since this isn't the end of the series, I can't share them now. You'll have to be patient with me! I can share what I thought so far.

It was a challenge writing for five protagonists, but I wanted each boy to have his own story. I had considered creating separate stories for each boy. However, that would defeat the point in showing their close friendship. So, I chose to keep everything and everyone together.

My inspiration from this piece did come from the boys' friendship and then their stories started to develop on their own. You may have noticed that sometimes they are faced with similar situations, yet they deal with them very differently. That's why they're five different lovers! :)

I've had people ask me who my favourite character was. I honestly can't answer that question. Sometimes, I got frustrated with a few characters because I had trouble writing their scenes. My personality clashed with theirs sometimes. To tell you the truth, I often had the most trouble writing for Junsu. He and I are just too different and his situation was difficult to grasp. Who was generally the easiest for me to write? It would have to be Changmin or Yoochun. It's easy to be devilish and sarcastic for Changmin. It's also easy for Yoochun to share his insightful thoughts.

The female character who was really hard to write for would be Yoomi. She and I are quite different too and I wasn't sure how to portray her character at first. I was going to base her off of my friend, but things didn't turn out that way. This doesn't mean that I don't like her. I just had to work harder to write for her!

Conversely, Jihyun was the easiest for me to include. She and I are very similar, maybe even too much alike.  

As for my favourite couple . . . I can't answer that one yet! ;)

Although I had created a poll on soompi about this, I thought I would ask again for your favourite lover. I'm sure after finishing book one, you would have different opinions or . . . maybe not. Vote away!

Who is your favourite lover?
	Jung Yunho
	Kim Jaejoong
	Park Yoochun
	Kim Junsu
	Shim Changmin
pollcode.com free polls

Here's also another poll. I've always wanted to know which couple people liked seeing.

What is your favourite pairing?
	Yunho and Jihyun (Yunji)
	Yunho and Hana (Yuna)
	Jaejoong and Yoomi (Jaemi)
	Jaejoong and Jihyun (Jaehyun)
	Junsu and Nayoung (Suyoung)
	Changmin and Nayoung (Minyoung)
	Changmin and Miyun (Changmi)
	Yoochun and Soohwa (Yoohwa)
	Yoochun and Junghwa (Yoojung)
	No pairings. I liked Sanghyun the most.
pollcode.com free polls

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Review # 18: Can you stay one more hour? by MoonlightDrive

This is definitely a stronger work compared to your other story. The writing voice is certainly there, but you're still having trouble punctuating your dialogues. You're switching tenses often as well. Ellipses come in sets of threes, not twos.

The phrase, "it's the pain isn't going to go" sounds awkward.

This story oddly reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio's situation in Inception. My goodness! I really feel that it is like Leonardo DiCaprio's failed relationship in that film. Did you by any chance watch that film? I'm just wondering. Hehehe.

I think the last paragraph after "she long to see him dead" could be cut out. You could have just ended with a dramatic phrase like "Now, all she could do was forgive him."

You might want to consider using another transition than saying "after X number of hours" etc .


There is no need in telling the readers how to read. Readers are perfectly capable of understanding your use of italics sooner or later.

"Alex is sat . . ." No! Alex is sitting or Alex sat . . .

I find it nice that Violet wants to take care of Alex, but it seems odd that Violet has so much time on her hands. It's not like Alex hired Violet to be a maid right? I mean even if my best friend were suffering, I would probably visit during the weekend, not like . . . every day? It seems weird if Violet has fallen in love with Alex too. I would suggest that you somehow explain why Violet has so much time and maybe go deeper about their friendship, so I don't think Violet just wanted to care for him.

I'm glad that Alex asks Violet why she is caring for him. I just think that that should have been established earlier. I would have wanted Alex to scream at Violet to leave him alone in the first chapter. (Plus, it is fun to make a character yell at another.) If he wanted to be left alone, he would not have asked why Violet was so good to him and then felt annoyed by her.

I'm not sure why page two of chapter two has a weird fragment. Did your sentence get cut off? I'm assuming that is the case.

Mhhm . . . "Violet is beginning to get seriously worried about him." This sentence does not match your overall writing style.

It's supposed to be "[if] he doesn't show any signs of improvement . . ." You missed a "s" after sign.

I'm pretty sure you will elaborate more about the Healers. Please do because you keep mentioning them in your story, but I am not sure what they do. Is this a piece of fantasy? I mean, I remember seeing the word magic, but it doesn't feel like it with the anti-depressants. I was expecting the Healers to be more of the shaman type of healers or ones that used herbs to heal people.

Okay, so I have confirmed that this piece has magic involved. I was not expecting that at all. I'm actually a bit concerned because from your writing tone, I feel that this story would be stronger without the magic.This story feels like a sentimental one, yet when there is magic incorporated, the magic of emotion drastically diminishes. I was sympathizing with Violet and now I'm trying to understand the foreign magic spells.

What I have said about the magical elements in your story may not apply if you're applying on making this story centered on some magical quest. If that's the case, then go ahead with the spells. If you're more concerned with maintaining the emotional aspects for this story, then I actually think you don't need the magic.

Did you right align/justify chapter three? I'm pretty sure you did because my eyes have noticed something different. Something is off about the formatting.

Compared to chapters one and two, chapter three was a lot weaker. Something is missing in this chapter. I skimmed through the Violet's actions. Remember . . . when you're describing someone's actions, try to make sure that they're important.

Concluding remarks! Yes, I love to summarize what I've said and be extremely repetitive. Anyhow, I think you've improved a lot compared to the last time I read your work. Your writing voice has become stronger, and your story is more engaging. I'm connecting with the characters more and they seem more believable. However, I think you have to try to keep that style throughout your story. Like I said, chapter three was a bit of a disappointment.

Hope this helps,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/916619-prologue

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Status Update 5 - Early February

I can't believe it's almost February!

I think I need to be patient sometimes and release my stories according to my schedule, and not by my mood. You see, the problem is that once I receive comments, I become really excited and so I release a chapter before my perceived date.

So, here's the deal . . . for myself. I will religiously follow this schedule. There will not be any spontaneous releases!

Here are the dates then!

Side note: Another thing stopping me from updating is my health. I'm suffering from a painful cold that makes me want to throw up and significantly decreases my energy level. I had to go to sleep yesterday at 9 pm and couldn't sleep till midnight because I kept wanting to vomit. 

Rebirth

Fictionpress: Chapter 52 will be out on February 10th. . . . February 4th! (I managed to go crazy and write a ton of chapters. Hooray for inspiration and pressure!)

Soompi: Chapter 51 will be out on February 4th. 

Bookmato & Wattpad:  These are exceptions to my updating rule since I haven't released all of my current chapters there.

*Booksie is acting really weirdly for me. It's not loading on any of my browsers and even if it loads, it lags a lot. I'm not sure what to do because I want to upload there, but the website, itself, is impeding me. I truly apologize to whoever is a Booksie reader of mine for this delay. However, I'm thinking of leaving that account on hold if this problem persists.

TFDL Etude:

Asianfanfics: I'm updating one on January 30th. As for February, I think I'll release one on the 10th.

Wish me luck on my exams, and of course, wish that my cold will go away,


Jubie (cubierock11)

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Review # 17: You're my Destiny (SHINee Fanfic) by CandyLove18

I always skim through the first page, and here are my initial observations. You need to learn how to punctuate your dialogues properly. For the dialogue tags, I would suggest varying your vocabulary. It would be more interesting to see the character's actions as opposed to seeing something like, "she said" or "he asked".

I think you can try to describe the settings in more detail. Sometimes, I feel that you're in a hurry to get to the next scene. I know you're excited about writing, but do remember to slow down and add more to your writing. Here, I'll give you an example. "I studied each guy. They were so handsome." After "I studied each guy", you could have included the characters' physical descriptions and that would have been perfect!

Don't add a space after a quotation mark. It's not supposed to be like this: " He . . ." It's like this "He . . ."

There are some redundant phrases, like you said that "[you were] following a daily routine." Then, you repeat this by saying, "[that] was kinda like my daily routine."

"Pretty good"? No, it's "pretty well". I had to point that out.

I feel that some chapters could have been incorporated into others. The flow of the story isn't as natural as it could be. I also feel that you are relying too much on dialogue. Try to take the time to describe the characters' feelings and the settings. Sometimes, think if it's necessary to have the characters speak. I find that we focus more on people's actions rather than on their words.

It is rather confusing to switch POVs so often. If you're thinking of having multiple POVs then make sure each character has a distinctive tone. Also, I generally don't suggest people to put "__'s POV". It seems odd and readers should be able to figure out who is speaking based on the different writing styles.

As for plot, I have to say that it's reminded me of an overused manga plot, where the girl is subjected to bullying because her classmates don't like how she's so close to a certain boy. I'm not saying that you can't use that plot, but when you do employ something that is used often, make sure that you add a little twist or do something else to make your story stand out more. I know you tried to describe the protagonist's pain after being threatened by the antagonists, but I feel that you could have taken that chance to go deeper with the protagonist. Did her pain remind her of something in the past? How did she show that she was trying to be tough? That scene could have evoked more emotion from readers, and I felt that it lacked that ability to make use sympathize with her.

I hope these comments were helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/952627

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Review # 16: LS Chapter One: The Hunt by Peach Kiss

Here I go again with my typical reviewing style. 

At first glance, I notice that it seems like you are using two to three different fonts. I'm not sure if it's the copying and pasting onto blogspot that destroys your old font or if you're doing this on purpose. The point is that it bothers the readers' eyes. I'm distracted by this small difference in font styles and it's not good when I'm unfocused! Since, your writing can be copy and pasted onto blogspot, it makes my life easier. I don't have to type your sentences onto this post to quote them. Realize though, that there will be two different fonts used.


This sentence below is troublesome. The problem is "it". When you replace a noun with a pronoun, the pronoun would refer to the closest noun that you have replaced. So, in this case, you have replaced "wound" with "it" when I am pretty sure that you meant to substitute the word, "hand".

My hand slipped under my shirt and pressed against the wound. I brought it to my face and could see blood gleaming in the dark.

I see another problematic sentence.

I needed to get rid of of the blood.  

I'm assuming that the repetition of "of" is a typo. I disapprove of the use of italics when you are trying to emphasize a word. The word should be able to do its job. Plus, you typically italicize for titles of novels, movies, etc.


No run-on sentences please. Here are a few examples below.

I grimaced at my red hands, I had to get rid of the red.  

I swallowed hard, my body freezing up at the sound whisper of crushed dead leaves.

I stilled, my mouth going dry. 

 

I couldn't outrun these things, their speed was impeccable, the only think I could do was fight.  

Commas are not substitutes for periods.

I suggest varying your vocabulary. I keep seeing the same words: blood and shirt. There are other words to describe blood and clothing. 

This scene was a bit redundant.

Crunch Cru-

They were here. 

 

Okay, so I know the crunches have stopped, which means that they are there!

 

You sometimes forget to add commas to signify pauses in sentences. 

In most cases a normal person would have made a run for it by now, but being raised by a Head Hunter certainly did not make me a normal person. 

 

There needs to be a comma after "in most cases." Okay, I need to dissect this sentence further. Again, there is redundancy. You start by saying that a normal person would have done this, and then you go on saying that you were not a normal person. Now, this isn't the repetitive part. What makes this sentence awkwardly phrased is that you use the phrase "a normal person" twice. I know that repetition can be useful, but in this case, it takes away from your meaning. You could have said, "Most people would have ran, but I chose to stay. The Head Hunter had prepared me to stay." Something to that effect . . .

My eyes widened. Looks like I didn’t think fast enough. 

 

Do not shift your tenses.

Now, let's take a closer look at this part of a paragraph.

Me and some random killer who hadn’t even graced me with his wonderful presence. I would have liked to see the face of the man who was going to kill me. Maybe even get to know his name. Was that too much to ask?

 

"Me and some random killer . . ." is not how you construct a sentence. Moreover, it's weird for you to use a fragment here. It just doesn't fit with your previous sentence. The word "random" should be replaced with another. It doesn't sound right. Her way of thinking doesn't really match her character so far. She is scared and now she's suddenly curious to see who will kill him or even wants to "get to know his name"?

  

Here's another sentence that is unnecessary. 

His voice scared me, and I immediately let go. 

I think it's pretty self-explanatory that she would drop her knife because his voice had scared her. You could just have crossed out "[his] voice scared me." 

Punctuate your dialogues properly.

“You’re not much of a listener.” He said. 

 

In this case, you're supposed to use a comma after "listener".

 

I always find it funny in Shakespeare plays when the character has a soliloquy before his or her death. Now, this scene below reminds me of that situation.

 

The gunshot echoed throughout the forest, and my legs quivered. He had killed me.

I was dead. 

 

I think you can try to describe that blood is flowing out of her body or that her body is sensing some pain or what not. You didn't have to say explicitly that he had killed her and that she was dead. You can simply allude to the fact that she is dying.

 

I like that you have established some sort of writing voice and style. Your style reminds me of a wattpad writer's. You two use simple words and short sentences. This isn't a negative statement. What I have to warn you is that when you choose to use this style, you have to make sure that each word you pick is the right one. Diction becomes even more important. Transitions need to be perfect as well since you're providing us with concise phrases and descriptions. I like to think of this style as a minimalistic approach like in fashion. Minimalism can be elegant and smooth, but if not mastered well, it can potentially become a disaster.

 

I enjoyed not knowing that this was a vampire story until somewhere you added that word, vampire. I think it would have been much better to keep out that word and try to let us figure out this conundrum. 

 

As for your characters, I think this chapter did not need their comic relief. It was supposed to be a dramatic, mysterious scene, yet their jokes significantly reduce those effects. It felt like a parody about vampires after their light jokes.

 

I hope these will be helpful,

 

Jubie (cubierock11)   

   

http://peachkisses101.blogspot.com/2011/01/ls-chapter-one-hunt.html#comments   
 

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Review # 15: She is Mine by SeanPowell

Hi,

You asked me to read one of your stories, but you haven't responded to my question as to which one you wanted me to read. Therefore, I just picked this story.

Anyhow, here's the review. It will be short since there are only two pages. However, I will still do my best.

Remember to punctuate your dialogues properly. You're not supposed to add a comma after the quotation marks. Commas go inside.

You shift your tenses at times, so watch out for that. You also need commas to create natural pauses in speech.

Single, whole numbers need to be spelled out. So, "[he] has been in prison 3 times . . ." should be "[he] has been in prison three times . . ."

Misunderstood is one word; there is no need to hyphenate. "He is a mis-understood man. He is a nice man" are two sentences that need to be fixed. It seems weird to say call someone a "misunderstood man". The problem with "[he] is a nice man" is that it doesn't flow well after the previous sentence. Maybe, you need a conjunction.

I would suggest you show us how he is a great man, instead of saying that he is "great with the kids." Sometimes, it's more important to show what the characters do as opposed to tell the readers what the characters have done.

Try to vary your vocabulary. In the next page, you use the word, sit, a lot. I know you are trying to describe the scene, but you can use other ways of telling us where the people are sitting. 

You hit enter when you weren’t supposed to do so.

No run-on sentences. They are not pretty.

No need to italicize to emphasize certain words. 

The plot seems to be fine. I think you can add more depth to your characters by including more actions as opposed to just saying, “He is so considerate.” That was actually rather redundant since he already shows that he is thoughtful from what he has said.

Again, I can’t expand my comments given the number of pages and chapters. 

I hope I was still helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11) 

 http://www.wattpad.com/808849-she-is-mine-chapter-one

This link will help you: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing

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Review # 14: 'Till Death Do Us Part . . . a Mafia Love Story by ReeseyBoo

I'm not sure if you've read my reviewer's profile, so I thought I would warn you beforehand that I am harsh and that I am sarcastic. What I am doing though will hopefully help you.

I generally tell people not to say, "___'s POV". It's very hard to master this technique well. People tend to abuse it more than use it to its advantage. Plus, I think readers should be able to tell that this chapter is a memory of the past.

Even if your characters are very angry, you should not capitalize their words.

You add hyphens between certain adjectives. It’s “four-year-old sister” not “four year old sister”.

You start a new line whenever a different person speaks. You have to do that. 

Stop shifting your tenses.

You’re not using your quotation marks properly. You switch between single ones and double ones. Figure out the rules for them.

You’re missing some words here and there. I’m not sure whether or not you’re doing this on purpose to show that it’s a child writing, but I still find it odd when you miss apostrophes. 

I purposely skipped to the chapters that show Isabelle as a teenager to see if your writing style had changed. Unfortunately, Isabelle still sounds like a child. I was expecting Isabelle to have a different style of narration since she has matured. 

Oh, before I forget, don’t misuse your apostrophes. “Newbie’s” are different from “newbies.”

You seem to like to use parentheses. Don’t spontaneously use them. Do not use square brackets for no reason. You are not citing people’s words and replacing them with your own. Do not use abbreviations like “aka” for your story. Just spell them out: also known as. 

I don’t know why you are using stars to show that there is a scene occurring. If you are having a phone call, then you are having a phone call. There is no need to put *phone conversation*. 

Add commas when there are natural breaks in your sentences. 

I feel that the pace of the story is not very natural. It seems like you’re sprinting through everything. It also feels like your character is constantly experiencing sugar highs, but never seems to reach a state of withdrawal from hyper activity. You’re even making silly spelling errors, so yes, these all point to signs of hastiness.

I’m not sure if your story was intended to be dark, and mysterious. If those were your intentions, then I am sorry, but I do not believe that they were fulfilled. Your story seemed very upbeat and did not match the description that you had provided for your work.

I’m glad that you are taking time to describe actions. However, again, you’re speeding through these sentences. 

Luckily, Jace and Isabella have some chemistry. 

Why are you capitalizing “I Love You”? 

I honestly don’t like it when authors remind people to vote or to comment. Readers have choices. You shouldn’t have to direct them to do something. They will comment when they want. They will vote if they would like. I’d have to say, this is a pet peeve of mine. It also doesn’t look good in terms of formatting to have a large comment at the end of a chapter to fill half of a page.

PS. It was very difficult to read through the dialogues since you did not space them properly, so I am very sorry if this review seems choppy and short. 

I hope this was helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/890747-past-1

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