TFDL: Prelude Thoughts

I just realized that I never wrote a chapter dedicated to the end of TFDL: Prelude. I never really shared my thoughts and feelings after finishing the first book.

I think I had already started the document for book two, so there didn't seem to be a pause in writing. This piece originally was going to be a work that I kept to myself. I wasn't brave enough to share it online until a friend had encouraged me to do so. Funnily, TFDL: Prelude was the first story that I had released, but it wasn't the first that I had written. I actually had a romance-tragedy before this work. I just put that piece on hold for now.

I would love to write character analyses, but since this isn't the end of the series, I can't share them now. You'll have to be patient with me! I can share what I thought so far.

It was a challenge writing for five protagonists, but I wanted each boy to have his own story. I had considered creating separate stories for each boy. However, that would defeat the point in showing their close friendship. So, I chose to keep everything and everyone together.

My inspiration from this piece did come from the boys' friendship and then their stories started to develop on their own. You may have noticed that sometimes they are faced with similar situations, yet they deal with them very differently. That's why they're five different lovers! :)

I've had people ask me who my favourite character was. I honestly can't answer that question. Sometimes, I got frustrated with a few characters because I had trouble writing their scenes. My personality clashed with theirs sometimes. To tell you the truth, I often had the most trouble writing for Junsu. He and I are just too different and his situation was difficult to grasp. Who was generally the easiest for me to write? It would have to be Changmin or Yoochun. It's easy to be devilish and sarcastic for Changmin. It's also easy for Yoochun to share his insightful thoughts.

The female character who was really hard to write for would be Yoomi. She and I are quite different too and I wasn't sure how to portray her character at first. I was going to base her off of my friend, but things didn't turn out that way. This doesn't mean that I don't like her. I just had to work harder to write for her!

Conversely, Jihyun was the easiest for me to include. She and I are very similar, maybe even too much alike.  

As for my favourite couple . . . I can't answer that one yet! ;)

Although I had created a poll on soompi about this, I thought I would ask again for your favourite lover. I'm sure after finishing book one, you would have different opinions or . . . maybe not. Vote away!

Who is your favourite lover?
	Jung Yunho
	Kim Jaejoong
	Park Yoochun
	Kim Junsu
	Shim Changmin
pollcode.com free polls

Here's also another poll. I've always wanted to know which couple people liked seeing.

What is your favourite pairing?
	Yunho and Jihyun (Yunji)
	Yunho and Hana (Yuna)
	Jaejoong and Yoomi (Jaemi)
	Jaejoong and Jihyun (Jaehyun)
	Junsu and Nayoung (Suyoung)
	Changmin and Nayoung (Minyoung)
	Changmin and Miyun (Changmi)
	Yoochun and Soohwa (Yoohwa)
	Yoochun and Junghwa (Yoojung)
	No pairings. I liked Sanghyun the most.
pollcode.com free polls

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Review # 18: Can you stay one more hour? by MoonlightDrive

This is definitely a stronger work compared to your other story. The writing voice is certainly there, but you're still having trouble punctuating your dialogues. You're switching tenses often as well. Ellipses come in sets of threes, not twos.

The phrase, "it's the pain isn't going to go" sounds awkward.

This story oddly reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio's situation in Inception. My goodness! I really feel that it is like Leonardo DiCaprio's failed relationship in that film. Did you by any chance watch that film? I'm just wondering. Hehehe.

I think the last paragraph after "she long to see him dead" could be cut out. You could have just ended with a dramatic phrase like "Now, all she could do was forgive him."

You might want to consider using another transition than saying "after X number of hours" etc .


There is no need in telling the readers how to read. Readers are perfectly capable of understanding your use of italics sooner or later.

"Alex is sat . . ." No! Alex is sitting or Alex sat . . .

I find it nice that Violet wants to take care of Alex, but it seems odd that Violet has so much time on her hands. It's not like Alex hired Violet to be a maid right? I mean even if my best friend were suffering, I would probably visit during the weekend, not like . . . every day? It seems weird if Violet has fallen in love with Alex too. I would suggest that you somehow explain why Violet has so much time and maybe go deeper about their friendship, so I don't think Violet just wanted to care for him.

I'm glad that Alex asks Violet why she is caring for him. I just think that that should have been established earlier. I would have wanted Alex to scream at Violet to leave him alone in the first chapter. (Plus, it is fun to make a character yell at another.) If he wanted to be left alone, he would not have asked why Violet was so good to him and then felt annoyed by her.

I'm not sure why page two of chapter two has a weird fragment. Did your sentence get cut off? I'm assuming that is the case.

Mhhm . . . "Violet is beginning to get seriously worried about him." This sentence does not match your overall writing style.

It's supposed to be "[if] he doesn't show any signs of improvement . . ." You missed a "s" after sign.

I'm pretty sure you will elaborate more about the Healers. Please do because you keep mentioning them in your story, but I am not sure what they do. Is this a piece of fantasy? I mean, I remember seeing the word magic, but it doesn't feel like it with the anti-depressants. I was expecting the Healers to be more of the shaman type of healers or ones that used herbs to heal people.

Okay, so I have confirmed that this piece has magic involved. I was not expecting that at all. I'm actually a bit concerned because from your writing tone, I feel that this story would be stronger without the magic.This story feels like a sentimental one, yet when there is magic incorporated, the magic of emotion drastically diminishes. I was sympathizing with Violet and now I'm trying to understand the foreign magic spells.

What I have said about the magical elements in your story may not apply if you're applying on making this story centered on some magical quest. If that's the case, then go ahead with the spells. If you're more concerned with maintaining the emotional aspects for this story, then I actually think you don't need the magic.

Did you right align/justify chapter three? I'm pretty sure you did because my eyes have noticed something different. Something is off about the formatting.

Compared to chapters one and two, chapter three was a lot weaker. Something is missing in this chapter. I skimmed through the Violet's actions. Remember . . . when you're describing someone's actions, try to make sure that they're important.

Concluding remarks! Yes, I love to summarize what I've said and be extremely repetitive. Anyhow, I think you've improved a lot compared to the last time I read your work. Your writing voice has become stronger, and your story is more engaging. I'm connecting with the characters more and they seem more believable. However, I think you have to try to keep that style throughout your story. Like I said, chapter three was a bit of a disappointment.

Hope this helps,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/916619-prologue

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Status Update 5 - Early February

I can't believe it's almost February!

I think I need to be patient sometimes and release my stories according to my schedule, and not by my mood. You see, the problem is that once I receive comments, I become really excited and so I release a chapter before my perceived date.

So, here's the deal . . . for myself. I will religiously follow this schedule. There will not be any spontaneous releases!

Here are the dates then!

Side note: Another thing stopping me from updating is my health. I'm suffering from a painful cold that makes me want to throw up and significantly decreases my energy level. I had to go to sleep yesterday at 9 pm and couldn't sleep till midnight because I kept wanting to vomit. 

Rebirth

Fictionpress: Chapter 52 will be out on February 10th. . . . February 4th! (I managed to go crazy and write a ton of chapters. Hooray for inspiration and pressure!)

Soompi: Chapter 51 will be out on February 4th. 

Bookmato & Wattpad:  These are exceptions to my updating rule since I haven't released all of my current chapters there.

*Booksie is acting really weirdly for me. It's not loading on any of my browsers and even if it loads, it lags a lot. I'm not sure what to do because I want to upload there, but the website, itself, is impeding me. I truly apologize to whoever is a Booksie reader of mine for this delay. However, I'm thinking of leaving that account on hold if this problem persists.

TFDL Etude:

Asianfanfics: I'm updating one on January 30th. As for February, I think I'll release one on the 10th.

Wish me luck on my exams, and of course, wish that my cold will go away,


Jubie (cubierock11)

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Review # 17: You're my Destiny (SHINee Fanfic) by CandyLove18

I always skim through the first page, and here are my initial observations. You need to learn how to punctuate your dialogues properly. For the dialogue tags, I would suggest varying your vocabulary. It would be more interesting to see the character's actions as opposed to seeing something like, "she said" or "he asked".

I think you can try to describe the settings in more detail. Sometimes, I feel that you're in a hurry to get to the next scene. I know you're excited about writing, but do remember to slow down and add more to your writing. Here, I'll give you an example. "I studied each guy. They were so handsome." After "I studied each guy", you could have included the characters' physical descriptions and that would have been perfect!

Don't add a space after a quotation mark. It's not supposed to be like this: " He . . ." It's like this "He . . ."

There are some redundant phrases, like you said that "[you were] following a daily routine." Then, you repeat this by saying, "[that] was kinda like my daily routine."

"Pretty good"? No, it's "pretty well". I had to point that out.

I feel that some chapters could have been incorporated into others. The flow of the story isn't as natural as it could be. I also feel that you are relying too much on dialogue. Try to take the time to describe the characters' feelings and the settings. Sometimes, think if it's necessary to have the characters speak. I find that we focus more on people's actions rather than on their words.

It is rather confusing to switch POVs so often. If you're thinking of having multiple POVs then make sure each character has a distinctive tone. Also, I generally don't suggest people to put "__'s POV". It seems odd and readers should be able to figure out who is speaking based on the different writing styles.

As for plot, I have to say that it's reminded me of an overused manga plot, where the girl is subjected to bullying because her classmates don't like how she's so close to a certain boy. I'm not saying that you can't use that plot, but when you do employ something that is used often, make sure that you add a little twist or do something else to make your story stand out more. I know you tried to describe the protagonist's pain after being threatened by the antagonists, but I feel that you could have taken that chance to go deeper with the protagonist. Did her pain remind her of something in the past? How did she show that she was trying to be tough? That scene could have evoked more emotion from readers, and I felt that it lacked that ability to make use sympathize with her.

I hope these comments were helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/952627

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Review # 16: LS Chapter One: The Hunt by Peach Kiss

Here I go again with my typical reviewing style. 

At first glance, I notice that it seems like you are using two to three different fonts. I'm not sure if it's the copying and pasting onto blogspot that destroys your old font or if you're doing this on purpose. The point is that it bothers the readers' eyes. I'm distracted by this small difference in font styles and it's not good when I'm unfocused! Since, your writing can be copy and pasted onto blogspot, it makes my life easier. I don't have to type your sentences onto this post to quote them. Realize though, that there will be two different fonts used.


This sentence below is troublesome. The problem is "it". When you replace a noun with a pronoun, the pronoun would refer to the closest noun that you have replaced. So, in this case, you have replaced "wound" with "it" when I am pretty sure that you meant to substitute the word, "hand".

My hand slipped under my shirt and pressed against the wound. I brought it to my face and could see blood gleaming in the dark.

I see another problematic sentence.

I needed to get rid of of the blood.  

I'm assuming that the repetition of "of" is a typo. I disapprove of the use of italics when you are trying to emphasize a word. The word should be able to do its job. Plus, you typically italicize for titles of novels, movies, etc.


No run-on sentences please. Here are a few examples below.

I grimaced at my red hands, I had to get rid of the red.  

I swallowed hard, my body freezing up at the sound whisper of crushed dead leaves.

I stilled, my mouth going dry. 

 

I couldn't outrun these things, their speed was impeccable, the only think I could do was fight.  

Commas are not substitutes for periods.

I suggest varying your vocabulary. I keep seeing the same words: blood and shirt. There are other words to describe blood and clothing. 

This scene was a bit redundant.

Crunch Cru-

They were here. 

 

Okay, so I know the crunches have stopped, which means that they are there!

 

You sometimes forget to add commas to signify pauses in sentences. 

In most cases a normal person would have made a run for it by now, but being raised by a Head Hunter certainly did not make me a normal person. 

 

There needs to be a comma after "in most cases." Okay, I need to dissect this sentence further. Again, there is redundancy. You start by saying that a normal person would have done this, and then you go on saying that you were not a normal person. Now, this isn't the repetitive part. What makes this sentence awkwardly phrased is that you use the phrase "a normal person" twice. I know that repetition can be useful, but in this case, it takes away from your meaning. You could have said, "Most people would have ran, but I chose to stay. The Head Hunter had prepared me to stay." Something to that effect . . .

My eyes widened. Looks like I didn’t think fast enough. 

 

Do not shift your tenses.

Now, let's take a closer look at this part of a paragraph.

Me and some random killer who hadn’t even graced me with his wonderful presence. I would have liked to see the face of the man who was going to kill me. Maybe even get to know his name. Was that too much to ask?

 

"Me and some random killer . . ." is not how you construct a sentence. Moreover, it's weird for you to use a fragment here. It just doesn't fit with your previous sentence. The word "random" should be replaced with another. It doesn't sound right. Her way of thinking doesn't really match her character so far. She is scared and now she's suddenly curious to see who will kill him or even wants to "get to know his name"?

  

Here's another sentence that is unnecessary. 

His voice scared me, and I immediately let go. 

I think it's pretty self-explanatory that she would drop her knife because his voice had scared her. You could just have crossed out "[his] voice scared me." 

Punctuate your dialogues properly.

“You’re not much of a listener.” He said. 

 

In this case, you're supposed to use a comma after "listener".

 

I always find it funny in Shakespeare plays when the character has a soliloquy before his or her death. Now, this scene below reminds me of that situation.

 

The gunshot echoed throughout the forest, and my legs quivered. He had killed me.

I was dead. 

 

I think you can try to describe that blood is flowing out of her body or that her body is sensing some pain or what not. You didn't have to say explicitly that he had killed her and that she was dead. You can simply allude to the fact that she is dying.

 

I like that you have established some sort of writing voice and style. Your style reminds me of a wattpad writer's. You two use simple words and short sentences. This isn't a negative statement. What I have to warn you is that when you choose to use this style, you have to make sure that each word you pick is the right one. Diction becomes even more important. Transitions need to be perfect as well since you're providing us with concise phrases and descriptions. I like to think of this style as a minimalistic approach like in fashion. Minimalism can be elegant and smooth, but if not mastered well, it can potentially become a disaster.

 

I enjoyed not knowing that this was a vampire story until somewhere you added that word, vampire. I think it would have been much better to keep out that word and try to let us figure out this conundrum. 

 

As for your characters, I think this chapter did not need their comic relief. It was supposed to be a dramatic, mysterious scene, yet their jokes significantly reduce those effects. It felt like a parody about vampires after their light jokes.

 

I hope these will be helpful,

 

Jubie (cubierock11)   

   

http://peachkisses101.blogspot.com/2011/01/ls-chapter-one-hunt.html#comments   
 

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Review # 15: She is Mine by SeanPowell

Hi,

You asked me to read one of your stories, but you haven't responded to my question as to which one you wanted me to read. Therefore, I just picked this story.

Anyhow, here's the review. It will be short since there are only two pages. However, I will still do my best.

Remember to punctuate your dialogues properly. You're not supposed to add a comma after the quotation marks. Commas go inside.

You shift your tenses at times, so watch out for that. You also need commas to create natural pauses in speech.

Single, whole numbers need to be spelled out. So, "[he] has been in prison 3 times . . ." should be "[he] has been in prison three times . . ."

Misunderstood is one word; there is no need to hyphenate. "He is a mis-understood man. He is a nice man" are two sentences that need to be fixed. It seems weird to say call someone a "misunderstood man". The problem with "[he] is a nice man" is that it doesn't flow well after the previous sentence. Maybe, you need a conjunction.

I would suggest you show us how he is a great man, instead of saying that he is "great with the kids." Sometimes, it's more important to show what the characters do as opposed to tell the readers what the characters have done.

Try to vary your vocabulary. In the next page, you use the word, sit, a lot. I know you are trying to describe the scene, but you can use other ways of telling us where the people are sitting. 

You hit enter when you weren’t supposed to do so.

No run-on sentences. They are not pretty.

No need to italicize to emphasize certain words. 

The plot seems to be fine. I think you can add more depth to your characters by including more actions as opposed to just saying, “He is so considerate.” That was actually rather redundant since he already shows that he is thoughtful from what he has said.

Again, I can’t expand my comments given the number of pages and chapters. 

I hope I was still helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11) 

 http://www.wattpad.com/808849-she-is-mine-chapter-one

This link will help you: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing

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Review # 14: 'Till Death Do Us Part . . . a Mafia Love Story by ReeseyBoo

I'm not sure if you've read my reviewer's profile, so I thought I would warn you beforehand that I am harsh and that I am sarcastic. What I am doing though will hopefully help you.

I generally tell people not to say, "___'s POV". It's very hard to master this technique well. People tend to abuse it more than use it to its advantage. Plus, I think readers should be able to tell that this chapter is a memory of the past.

Even if your characters are very angry, you should not capitalize their words.

You add hyphens between certain adjectives. It’s “four-year-old sister” not “four year old sister”.

You start a new line whenever a different person speaks. You have to do that. 

Stop shifting your tenses.

You’re not using your quotation marks properly. You switch between single ones and double ones. Figure out the rules for them.

You’re missing some words here and there. I’m not sure whether or not you’re doing this on purpose to show that it’s a child writing, but I still find it odd when you miss apostrophes. 

I purposely skipped to the chapters that show Isabelle as a teenager to see if your writing style had changed. Unfortunately, Isabelle still sounds like a child. I was expecting Isabelle to have a different style of narration since she has matured. 

Oh, before I forget, don’t misuse your apostrophes. “Newbie’s” are different from “newbies.”

You seem to like to use parentheses. Don’t spontaneously use them. Do not use square brackets for no reason. You are not citing people’s words and replacing them with your own. Do not use abbreviations like “aka” for your story. Just spell them out: also known as. 

I don’t know why you are using stars to show that there is a scene occurring. If you are having a phone call, then you are having a phone call. There is no need to put *phone conversation*. 

Add commas when there are natural breaks in your sentences. 

I feel that the pace of the story is not very natural. It seems like you’re sprinting through everything. It also feels like your character is constantly experiencing sugar highs, but never seems to reach a state of withdrawal from hyper activity. You’re even making silly spelling errors, so yes, these all point to signs of hastiness.

I’m not sure if your story was intended to be dark, and mysterious. If those were your intentions, then I am sorry, but I do not believe that they were fulfilled. Your story seemed very upbeat and did not match the description that you had provided for your work.

I’m glad that you are taking time to describe actions. However, again, you’re speeding through these sentences. 

Luckily, Jace and Isabella have some chemistry. 

Why are you capitalizing “I Love You”? 

I honestly don’t like it when authors remind people to vote or to comment. Readers have choices. You shouldn’t have to direct them to do something. They will comment when they want. They will vote if they would like. I’d have to say, this is a pet peeve of mine. It also doesn’t look good in terms of formatting to have a large comment at the end of a chapter to fill half of a page.

PS. It was very difficult to read through the dialogues since you did not space them properly, so I am very sorry if this review seems choppy and short. 

I hope this was helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/890747-past-1

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Review # 13: The Runaway's by Bebhinn

Behold, the blinding of the eyes. Yes, I may be exaggerating here with my wonderful hyperbole, but please, I urge you, do not bold entire paragraphs. Do not even think about bolding important words. Just simply bold your title. Technically, even bolding your title is not right. 

Place commas when needed. 

What does this mean, “I had back and hung my head low”? I’ve read that sentence three times and I am still confused.

When you have a flashback, it is very unnecessary to add “Flashback”. You should be able to write so that people know it’s a flashback. 

Actually, a lot of people wake up that early to go to school . . . so it’s really not that early. 

Please follow rule . Don’t be redundant. They’re intelligent and then they’re intelligent.

I don’t think self important is a word. If it is then I have learned a new word.

Hold on . . .  do I see a dollar sign? Why, yes I do. If you’re talking about money, then type that word. There is no need to use symbols. 

What does this mean: “I’m off the bus is collecting me as usual.” I did not understand that sentence at all. Yes, buses don’t collect people. Even when you’re, perhaps, using it as a personification, that verb doesn’t match at all with your intentions.

Spelling. Please . . . no silly typos. It’s “wolves”, not “wolfs”. Don’t substitute “IL” for “I’ll”. I’d think you’d be talking about the state of Illinois and even then . . .  

Anyone is one word, not two. Don’t use text language like “omg”. They don’t belong in dialogues or writing.

You are shifting your tenses.

Don’t use unnecessary fragments. “And stepped out onto the moist grass.” (Follow rule three.) There are more examples to provide, but I’d rather just keep it concise with one.

Anyone is one word, not two. I’m pretty sure “roommate” is a noun and not a verb. You can’t “roommate” with someone, but you can sure have a roommate.

You don’t need to title your work again for the next chapter.

Punctuate your dialogues properly. (Refer to rule six.)

Don’t spontaneously space out your paragraphs. One hit on the enter button should be enough.

Please read your own writing aloud. You will notice that you have either made a lot of typing errors or that you have created awkward sentences. Don’t end your sentences with a preposition. “Lawrence had finally found what he was looking for.” Also, I don’t think you reject having a cigarette by humping. “I humped.”

Spell out single digit whole numbers. There’s no such thing as a taster used in your context. I think you mean, “This is just a taste of what is to come.” 

Oh, by the way, I doubt normal parents would tell you their password to their bank accounts, so the withdrawal of 10,000 dollars is rather unrealistic. Plus, isn’t it more fun when you’re poor? You can add more conflict between the characters because of their lack of money. (Yes, I do realize that you made a character forgetful so they are all poor now. Yay for conflict!)

Why are you using italics all of a sudden? If it’s a flashback, then it’s not working as a flashback.

Ten flours? There are ten bags of flour in that house? No, I think you mean floors. 

Know when to use adverbs. “I walked as slow as possible” is incorrect. It is “I walked as slowly as possible.”

So, now I’m going to do a quick summary of what I think.

You need a lot of work with spelling. I do not believe that you are making typing mistakes now. I have gone through at least three chapters and I am convinced that you must improve your spelling. Please know that homonyms are homonyms. (Rule one)

Expand your vocabulary. For the sex scene, you could have replaced "kiss" with other words or descriptions.

I have to apologize, but I was too absorbed with your grammatical and spelling errors that I could not focus on characterization. Not to mention, you bolded a majority of your chapters! My eyes were already skimming. 

I like that you are trying to describe your settings or situations, but spend some time searching for the right words. When I’m reading your descriptions, the words don’t flow as well as they could be.

Please do not force your readers to vote for your story. Minimum of ten votes so they can read your next chapter within a certain time period? Your story should be good enough to compel them to vote. You don’t bribe them to vote nor do you beg them to vote for you. You stop uploading chapters because you don’t have enough votes? Please don’t say that or do that. You should be writing because you enjoy writing, not because you want votes.

I believe that is all for now,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/919799-the-runaway's-chapter-one-lost-and-found 

For the list of rules: http://www.wattpad.com/920462-the-golden-rules-of-writing

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Review # 12: Mind Games (A Vampire Story) by mt_foster

I don't think it's necessary to tell ask your readers to stay in your author's note and explain that it's a flashback. Like I said to another writer before, if you think it's boring, then fix it. Fix it so that others will stay. Don't sound desperate. (Follow rule 16.)

By the way, there is a function on wattpad that lets you put different copyrights, depending on which one you like, so instead of writing "copyright by ___", you could just use that and there will be some copyright print at the bottom of each page.

Please follow rule one: homonyms are homonyms. There is a difference between "its" and "it's".

You're mixing your tenses in your introductory paragraphs. Try to stick with one tense.

Add in appropriate commas for natural breaks. "Out of all the places they traveled they . . ." should have a comma after "traveled". It's the same situation with "[one] day while they were out for a walk they met . . ." Add a comma after "walk".

"That was me and Mom's thing" sounds really weird.

I think it might have been better if your protagonist experienced more flashbacks about her mom's death or her family's circumstance instead of having her tell us everything in a page. We would be more attached to Elyse's feelings. Your method of narration so far distances us from the character.

Learn when to capitalize Dad or Mom properly. If you're saying my dad, then leave it in lower case. If it's just Dad, then keep it in capitals.

It's not "loosing" when you lose someone. It's "losing".

Please . . . not another author's note asking people to stay to read. You can do better than that. Have some pride or confidence in your own work.

No, it's not "me being . . ." It's "my being".

Use a divider if you want to signal a passing of time. It would be like this.

-----

So, please don't add in so many spaces.

Okay, I don't mean to be cruel, but it was ironically amusing when you typed the wrong preposition and then Elyse says that something was off. Let's dissect this.

"Excuse me, are you on line?"

Then, you described what Elyse felt about this boy: "This person sounds funny. It doesn't sound funny in a ha ha way, but in a something's off way."

Now, that . . . was funny because something was off. His preposition was way off. It should have been "are you in line?" So, watch out when you're typing quickly. Always read your sentence again in your head and you'll know what is off.

Don't capitalize people's words even though they might be expressing some emotion.

Actually, I wouldn't say that Alex is spontaneous. Alex is flirty. That's what he is.

I'm not sure what your intentions were for Elyse's character. Right now, she seems like the stereotypical teenager. She seems rather superficial. Alex needs to be smoother as a flirty guy. His lines don't catch me off guard. They just make him sound desperate for any girl.

I actually think the plot could go a bit faster. There are scenes that don't show a ton; I feel like you could have added more to those scenes to make Elyse suspicious of Alex. Maybe, you didn't need that childhood flashback. You could inserted the flashback through a series of meetings with Alex. Her encounters with Alex makes her recall the details about her past. That would be more interesting.

I like how you are trying to provide character descriptions. However, they could be better. Sometimes, you don't need to add in the details about height. You can just pick one thing to highlight about a person and describe that in detail.

I hope these have helped,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/880931-mind-games-a-vampire-story

Refer to these rules: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing

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Review # 11: Just One Touch by RobynTodd

I don't mean to be rude, but don't have grammatical errors in your author's note. That's like foreshadowing future mistakes.

Don't do POVS. (Follow rule eight.)

Don't spontaneously space out your paragraphs like that. You just need to hit enter once. Even if you want to signal a break in time, just use a divider or if you don't know how, just enter once and then do this:


------

You're shifting your tenses. (Refer to rule nine.)

Punctuate your dialogues properly. You need a comma after saying someone's name to signal a natural pause. (See rule six.)

Run-on sentences galore! "Demi opened her eyes again, she didn't even realise that she closed them." No, you do not use a comma to replace your period. (Look at rules two and four a.)

I'm not sure why you're shifting POVs. It may be your writing style, but I find it unnatural for now. I might change my mind later. We'll see.

You need to learn when to use commas. "Next thing I knew he was running towards her." It should be "[next] thing I knew, he was running towards her."  Also, "[as] I walked up the stairs" needs a comma after it.

I would like more description from your settings when you're trying to describe them. I like the fact that you're trying, but it would be nice if you didn't simply throw colours at me. I like to know how everything is, meaning what the atmosphere was like, how the lights dimmed, where the furniture was placed, etc. A kitchen placed in one house can be in a different location than another, so please write more than "it was white where the kitchen was."

Okay, follow rule one very well. Homonyms are homonyms. There is a big, and I stress, a large, difference between "your" and "you're".

It seems weird for Jake just to blurt that out to her. It actually seems comical now that I think of it. It is rather odd for someone to say: "You are also quite concussed." I think normally, when you're speaking, you just say, "You suffered from a concussion."

Basically, this is what I'm perceiving from your story. She learns that she's a vampire and seems very fine with it and now is sleepy? Is this how you would react if you were a vampire? Wouldn't she try to run away or try to refute him? Wouldn't she be scared about him? Why would she even follow a stranger so easily in the first place? I'm asking you all these questions because I don't like seeing damsels in distress and I am sensing one. I also don't like to see unreasonable behaviour from characters. (Look at rule 13.)

Try to work on your transitions as well. From the example above, you have jumped from so many situations that could have been developed further. (Look at rule 12.)

Ellipses are comprised of three dots or four in some cases.

All right. So, she suddenly falls in love with Jake in a few pages. Lust? Yes, must be lust. What else could it be? I don't know. Even if they did fall in love so quickly, you'd have to be able to convince me that they are in love. Demi shouldn't have fallen for someone with one kiss. I think she's a classic damsel in distress.

Overall, I would say that there are a lot of areas that you need to ameliorate. You need to fix your run-on sentences, punctuate your dialogues properly, add in appropriate commas, and space your story well.

As for plot, I think it's a bit weak. I know you're still at chapter two, but I don't feel that this vampire story stands out from all the other ones. I think if you're trying to tackle a popular genre, then you have to differentiate yourself much more than you would do so for other genres. Your characters are rather unconvincing. I think it's partly due to the way Demi makes her decisions and the way Jake teaches her how to be a vampire. If Jake is the type that has other plans for her, then he should be more calculating and serious. That's how I would portray Jake. He should also show more frustration if she is not the "one".

Like I said, work on your descriptions for settings and . . . what else? Ah yes, make your sentences flow better and add in the right transitions.

Hope these will help,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/910599-just-one-touch-demi's-story

(For the rules, look at this link: http://www.wattpad.com/920462-the-golden-rules-of-writing?p=1 )

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Review # 10: Salvation by Kat201

I see someone not obeying rule 1: homonyms are homonyms. I'll take it as a typo for now. You put "it's" instead of "its". Okay, I take that back. Maybe, You have a problem with that rule. I believe you mean "veins" not "vanes". I also think you mean "their" not "they're". There is a difference between "then" and "than".

Punctuate your dialogues and sentences correctly. You need commas to act as natural pauses. "We're not going to end up in debt Joan! I know what I'm doing! For crying out loud will you trust me for once!" should be "[we're] not going to end up in debt, Joan! [...] For crying out loud, will you trust me for once?" Yes, it's a question mark, not an exclamation mark. You need a comma after "[tightening] my jaws . . ."

Action words do not replace dialogue tags. (Refer to rule 6.)

"Tears are thick in the back of my throat . . ." sounds awkward. I don't think you mean a ball of saliva.

You need a transition between your "pain" paragraph and "music" paragraph. It's too much of a leap for me.

I like that you are trying to provide a lot of description, but remember what physical traits you've already told us. I know she has auburn hair. I don't need to see that phrase again.

"Omigod" is text language for me. Just say, "Oh my god".

Subject-verb agreement. "The golden glow of the street lights fade and are . . ." You're still speaking about the golden glow, which is singular, so you use "is".

You need to widen your vocabulary or try to figure out another way of describing things. I do like that you have provided a lot of details, which I have said already, but I keep seeing a few of the same words, especially "vanes", which of course, you mean "veins".

As for plot, it's . . . haha, sadistic. It's fine. It's something fresh, and it's like I'm watching Law & Order SVU. I like that you give different perspectives about her kidnapping. It does feel like she is lost in this world.

Characters . . . I think it would be better to say that it's more like the emotions conveyed by characters that matter in this story and it's more about the victim's stiuation.

I hope I was helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/807254-salvation

For rules, click on this link: http://www.wattpad.com/920232-writing

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Review # 9: (Forsaken) Vampires will never hurt you by HeidiVale

Please stop shifting your tenses so often. It’s very confusing. (See Rule # 9)

Usually when you have single-digit whole numbers, you spell them out. So, for 6 years and 5 years, they would be six years and five years. 

Remember to put commas when needed. “If she had stayed a human” needs a comma after it. I would also suggest saying, “[if] she had stayed human”. It sounds more natural. (Do remember to add appropriate commas.)

No need to capitalize the word, dead. 

Don’t forget about subject-verb agreements. “Immortality and its advantages was . . .” It should be “[immortality] and its advantages were . . .” I would actually suggest just saying immortality was the only was the only way out for her.

I would start a new paragraph when you first mention the character, Lysander.

You’ve used despite popular belief before, so try to use something else. 

I think you might be providing too much background information in the first chapter. I mean that you’re telling too much about the characters. I think it’s better to show than to tell in this case. If you want to add more suspense or thrill to your story, then I suggest that you leave some clues, instead of giving your readers the full picture of Lilly’s beginnings.

Careful of run-ons. “It would be so much easier for David . . .” That sentence is clearly a run-on. Fix it. There are also other run-on sentences in your story. Please look for them and correct them.

There’s an awkward phrasing with “[how] she had convinced Lilly to come back here was beyond her.”

Be very wary of using pronouns. It’s hard to know if you’re referring to Lilly or Gwendolyn at times. The sentence that comes after “[how] she had convinced Lilly to come back . . .” makes me confused if you’re referring to Lilly or Gwendolyn. Again, this trend continues on page two of part two to your story. When you said that “[she] knew that for some reason, the female vampire was keeping him outside and that he hadn’t come in because she . . .”, I had to reread the sentence to understand whether or not you were referring to the female vampire or Lilly. Also, I would recommend that you don’t say “for some reason” for this sentence because you know the reasons that the female vampire kept him outside. You explained them within that sentence.

Don’t use cliché phrases like “couldn’t put her finger on it”.

I don’t understand why there are dashes to substitute your quotation marks. (Refer to rule 6.)

I don’t like starting sentences with “and” or “but”, but that is arguable.

Vampiric, at least from my knowledge, is not a word. I checked online too. 

Every day is two words unless it is used as an adjective. There are also two words for “every time.” You have a typo. It’s not “afterall”. It’s after all.  

Remember to separate your paragraphs and add in transitions that will make your paragraphs flow well.

Is Lilly having a flashback? I honestly can’t tell because your tense keeps changing. 

I think the dialogue between Gwendolyn and Ivan is rather weak. Perhaps, you could have described Gwendolyn’s actions and feelings.  

You forgot an apostrophe for Alistair’s. 

It seems weird to suddenly include Alistair’s physical description.  Does she ssee something that triggered her to recount his appearance? 

Why the sudden indentations? I know that you are supposed to indent the start of every paragraph, but wattpad makes indentation difficult. Do not start playing with indentations if you hadn’t done so in the beginning. 

I don’t think Alistair’s language matches his physical description. He seems to be well-educated from the way he dresses. However, his dialogue mainly shows that he switches between formal and informal language. This bizarre change is a disservice to your story. I think he would have used “foolish” instead of “stupid” and he would not have said “a long shot”. 

Here’s what I have to say overall. 

I think your plot is progressing fine. There is action, and some conflict. As for characters, they have their traits, but I think your characters could still be stronger. You just have to show more than you tell. I’m feeling that you’re repeating facts that the readers already know. If you want to stress that Gwendolyn is hiding something, then show that. Don’t tell us. It’s not as effective when you tell us that she’s hiding something and explain it. It would be more effective for us to know about her lies through dialogue or her actions.

I also feel that you should try to widen your vocabulary. Your sentences would be more appealing. When you write that you’re “getting rid of something”, it doesn’t sound as nice as eradicating or eliminating something. “Rubbed people off the wrong way” . . . There are better ways to craft that sentence.

I like that you are trying to develop your characters by providing a lot of information about their past, but again, I need to stress that sometimes it is better to say less than to say more. I’d like to know Gwendolyn slowly. You could consider adding facts here and there through the use of dialogue, like over a dinner conversation. See, chapter 5 was effective because we’re learning information from other people’s words instead of absorbing facts from a long narration.

If you’re trying to have flashbacks, make sure you use the appropriate tense. I know I’ve commented a lot about your use of tenses, but make sure you use the right one.

I hope I have been helpful,

Jubie (cubierock11)

http://www.wattpad.com/795339-forsaken-vampires-will-never-hurt-you

For the rules, refer to this link: http://www.wattpad.com/920462-the-golden-rules-of-writing 

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